pair of jeans

all of us, at one time or another, has had someone in their life that they feel they want to be with forever.. yes, even my snarky side has wished this for myself.. but, when the dust settles from the thorough stomping of your heart, you still hang onto that hope the person will see you as other than a mere friend..

what do you do when you have been banished to the 'friend zone'..? i have a friend that is in this purgatory on earth zone and feels almost helpless.. it's an awful place to be and yes, i've been relagated to this no-man's land before but have finally learned to move beyond it.. sure there are moments when i feel i am getting close to breaking the silence i've been forced to endure and confessing all my feelings for this person, but i quickly take a deep breath, sinking quietly back to my life in my own purgatory.. in some strange way, purgatory feels safer..

how do we release ourselves from this zone..? do we ever..? i just wonder if the person is truly aware of what goes on in another's heart when it comes to them.. i have to think they do.. yet, one reason i think they do not act upon it or open that 'can of worms' is because they do not want to be held or feel responsible for the pain of another person, a guilt they are not strong enough to handle.. i am convinced this person knows they cannot make you happy, you deserve much more that what they have and when you realize it, you are free of that banishment of the 'friend zone' and purgatory..

in my cynical view on the matters of the heart and in life, i still feel there is one person that fits each one of us like that perfect pair of worn-in jeans.. in our world of billions, we search for that one person who doesn't relegate you to the dreaded 'friend zone'.. you have to wear that pair of jeans for years, you have to put them on, take them off, toss them in the washer, sleep in them and all of this to find the perfect fit..

despite the billions of people in our world, we become so engrossed with the phenomenon of tunnel-vision that we become almost obsessed with proving to that one person we are perfect for them, that we don't belong in the 'friend zone' and that are the one who can make their world spin.. in my experience with such a occurance, you lose sight of who you are, you start to question your being, your existence and convince yourself you are doing something wrong.. your whole waking and sometimes sleeping life is about this one person and why they can't see what a great person you are..

there comes a day when that moment of crystal clear clarity finally makes its way to the surface of your own private space in purgatory and it all boiled down to one simple statement: what you are doing wrong is trying to convince the wrong person you are the right pair of jeans..

pink slippers

sunday was in interesting day.. for the most part it was relatively quiet and boring.. then, at 8:00pm, i was at the airport picking up a friend.. the airport has been remodeled/revamped/redone once again and yes, it was several loops around the track before i finally figured out how to get into the parking garage.. but, that is another story in itself..

so, i'm standing down by baggage claim, waiting for him and trying to focus on my magazine article about disasters of 2010; the headliner was the gulf oil spill.. but as i'm standing there, people walk around me, pass me, almost thru me as if i am not there.. it feels kinda wierd but kinda cool at the same time..

as my focus changes to the people around me and not on the words of the article i was reading, i see so many different faces, eye colors, styles of dress and people hugging or talking into cell phones looking for others.. the chime on my cell phone brings me back to reality when i glance at the words, "just landed, see you in a few".. i look around at the people by the baggage claim conveyor belt and the escalator with its glass siding .. a huge group of people start the descent to the waiting friends and family as the waves, smiles and loud voices of those of us at the bottom begin.. after five minutes, i still have no one to wave to and smile..

a second text a couple of minutes later, "what are you wearing?" displays on the screen.. i look down at my feet and reply, "i'm the only one here wearing pink slippers, hard to miss.." moments later, a voice says, "cute slippers, where do i get a pair? " i turn around and there is my friend, his green eyes looking like polished silver in the lighting, smiling mischievously, "pink slippers or not, you are hard to miss.." after hugging him and his scratchy backpack, we join the throngs of nameless, faceless people mulling out of the airport terminal and into waiting cars and taxis..

yes, sunday was definitely an interesting day..

recurring dream of olivier

i often dream of one person.. he's always on the edges of my subconscious.. always in dark colors, always saving someone, saving me.. for the past few nights when i've managed to get a few hours of sleep, he visits me.. always holding my hand or extending his hand to me, always telling me it will all be okay, not to worry.. although i did have one dream where i was in his house, which i've actually never been, and he was pulling me forward to meet his friend who had come in, the feel of warmth and safety was there..

as the owner of an analytical mind, i decided to find out what the purpose, if any, a recurring dream has, if it means something and why it relates to me.. so, i called my mom, my cousin and a friend who all have an interest in dream symbology and dreams in general.. the consensus of the three women is that it all relates to some unfinished business with this person or some underlying fear or conflict as well as a possible conflict or unresolved issue i have in my awake life..

as i ponder this information, i start to put two-n-two together and realize he usually comes to me in my dreams when i'm worried, alone, scared, nervous and for a brief moment in my life, i allow someone to take my hand and reassure me that all will be well.. i am safe while i dream and i am cushioned in this warm, comforting nest he offers..

i don't take the dreams i have of him in a literal sense because in the real world, i told him i did not wish to think of him because he is like a ghost to me.. i hang onto the hope that i will one day see him and told him that i know it will most likely never occur.. i wished him well and hoped that he will stay safe.. i miss him.. i probably always will..

however, if for a moment in my life, despite it being in my sleeping life, i feel safe when i see him, i will take that..