a snapshot here, a snapshot there… all the little film clips your mind plays in an instant to process what goes on in your psyche on a daily basis or at a moment's notice… most of these never come to fruition, most just play like a loop, over and over, either as comfort or torture… a touch… a sound… a scent… all haunts you like a ruthless dream… a dream so cruel as it is exquisite...
the castle in the sky holds the images of a smile meant just for you, a kiss upon the neck in the moonlight, the feel of warm breath across your cheek while in an embrace, a hand up your arm, along your neck, fingers threaded through your hair… your minds’ eye can create the most fantastic imagination fooling every one of your senses into believing you are in a reality so surreal you can taste it when in fact you are merely in the midst of a unreality that leaves you gasping for breath, grabbing at your sheets when you open your eyes and feeling as if someone ripped the rug out from under you, leaving you lonely…
but then, what is worse… the images that taunt and haunt you in your dreams or seeing that one person just out of your reach smiling, talking, walking, pausing to look into the sky for a moment while they close their eyes to enjoy the sun’s warmth…? that one touch when he reaches out for your hand to wish you a good day and covers your hand with the other, enclosing yours in his… when he talks, he speaks to you as if you are the only one there even when the two of you are amongst hundreds in a crowd…
up close, you notice the things that you know will be the details that will slowly and surely drive you nuts but completely fascinate you… the myriad of color flecks that make up the unusual color of his eyes… the length of his eyelashes and how they feather out and shadow across the skin below his eyes… the smooth shape of his lower lip, the small cut in his upper lip giving it the perfect cupid’s bow… the clean-shaven planes of his jaw line and his face… the dark hair upon his head that looks like its soft as puffy clouds on an early spring day with smooth waves like the ripples of a smooth pond after a stone is tossed in… his voice has this tone, this timbre that washes over you like a soothing balm, enveloping you in rich velvet; it makes your skin prickle and can bring tears to your eyes… and then he smiles and it transforms his whole face into something so blindingly beautiful you find it hard to look away and find it harder to keep looking…
there’s a scene in the movie ‘love actually’ where a guy goes to his best friend’s house on christmas and his friend’s wife, the object of his affection or obsession, whichever way you choose to look at it, answers the door… the guy proceeds to play a christmas song along with showing her flashcards declaring his feelings for her… upon completion of this display, he smiles and then gathers his things and leaves… seconds later, she runs after him, catches up to him and kisses him… they smile at each other, some unknown declaration passes between them and they part ways… he walks away and says out loud with a content look upon his face, “enough… enough…”
i have my torturous moments and will surely have them for some time… my conscience and my beliefs will be sure to remind me of the detrimental effects of my thoughts… the thoughts of a black spot upon my soul is frightening as it is heartbreaking… though i will never utter a word of my thoughts aloud, they are spoken loud and clear in the written word and it seems to help me in processing it… the seven sins are there, one waiting to step in, waiting for that in that gives the others the access to my soul…
although i would never make light of anyone with any sort of mental illness or suffers from any sort of disorder of that family and in light of my own anxieties and 'quirks', it makes me wonder if my mind is of that of a fanatic, a schizophrenic, some sort of delusional manic… i have often read that most of the purest minds, intelligent minds and beautiful minds are those that run a fine line between that of sanity and madness… is that what i may be a part of…? am i slowly slipping into the waiting arms and throes of a psychosis with the obsession of an untouchable guiding my way, making my trip comfortably numb… enough… enough… or will there ever be an “enough”…?
the soul knows..
only love can make a cold heart melt
Sunday, March 24, 2013
in the garden of good and evil..
“I do not do the good I want, but I do the evil I do not want.” (Romans 7:18)
the more you want what you can’t have, the more you desire it… think about the prohibition of alcohol in the 1920’s; rendering the sale and consumption of alcohol illegal… the desire for the consumption of alcohol was so great, people resorted to bootlegging alcohol leading to a whole network of an organized crime syndicate that controlled the blackmarket of the desired beverage…
psychology has a term for this and it’s called the “forbidden fruit effect” or the “romeo and juliet effect”… we’ve all heard the stories related to both of these topics… adam, eve, the serpent and the apple… romeo, juliet, a bitter family feud and crashing a party… each scenario or such similarities have given us such sayings like, “the forbidden is sure to be sweeter” or “the more forbidden the fruit, the sweeter the juice”…
here i sit in the early morning hours on palm sunday trying to figure out how to confess my thoughts during the next reconciliation day… i cannot even think of which commandment or commandments i am breaking it would fall under… i know it is sure to be a sin, surely mortal, definitely not a venial sin… surely one of the *mournful cello music playing off in the distance* “seven deadly sins”… those are the sins that are transgressions which are fatal to spiritual growth and progress (the really bad ones that can supposedly turn your soul black and earn you an eternity in hell, not even a pitstop in purgatory)…
lust of the flesh: lust, sloth, gluttony… lust of the eyes: greed… pride of life: pride, anger, envy... it is said that once you give into one of these seven sins, the other six are more that ready to seep into your soul… within our own mind, we know that there are those dark shadows within our heart that make those sins beckon to us like the sweetest honey or call to us like the sirens posed upon the rocks to passing sailors ultimately luring them to their deaths..
i came across an explanation for sins and vices… although somewhat similar, there is a base, intrinsic difference… sin is basically an omission, like a ‘white lie’ or a violation, sort of like a speeding ticket, but against your virtues… now a vice, those are the tricky guys… they are like building blocks to one’s character, like a trait such as kindness, humility, compassion… those are rooted at the soul of one’s being, it makes one who they are..
for eons, as told through legends and myths, there is a constant struggle between good and evil, between light and dark… where you have virtues, you have sins… when reading more about sins, the forbidden fruit and things your shouldn’t have or do… it is all a vicious cycle: forbidden fruit, sin, forbidden fruit, sin and round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody knows…
speaking of the spiritual aspect of the sin/forbidden fruit side of my struggle, the human nature side of it is about the basic want of wanting what you can’t have… strangely, it’s related to basic curiosity and surprisingly, reverse psychology… in the case of curiosity is the greek myth of pandora and the box zeus told her not to look in to… she wanted to look, but knew she wasn’t supposed to by order of the king of all the gods… the box was pandora’s forbidden fruit… a strong sense of anxiousness and an overwhelming sense of curiosity finally got the best of pandora and she opened it thus letting out of the box all the scourge upon the earth…
one part of my own character is to internally analyze everything within my own world and analyze that of which i feel i have control over outside of my world… every which way i analyze it, the outcome comes to nothing... this struggle, this war i am waging within my heart and soul is a daunting one, but i am accepting of it knowing it is silently fought for naught… it involves a person whose soul and spirit is vibrant and bright it is almost blinding, their voice is so passionate when they speak, even on the most mundane of topics, you feel as if you hang on their every word, their mannerisms are so kind and gentle, their laughter and humor utterly genuine…
one might even say to give in to taking a bite of your forbidden fruit is to be careful of what you wish for, you may not like it as in the case of pandora's box… “an indulgence or a pleasure that is illegal or is believed to be immoral. “ as defined in freedictionary.com is what forbidden fruit means… most of us attribute this to adam and eve and the serpent in the garden of eden… but in my internal battle, there is no adam, there is no eve and there is no garden of eden… the forbidden fruit and the wars of sins and vices over virtues will rage on silently until the day good triumphs over evil and prayer triumphs over self-analysis..
the more you want what you can’t have, the more you desire it… think about the prohibition of alcohol in the 1920’s; rendering the sale and consumption of alcohol illegal… the desire for the consumption of alcohol was so great, people resorted to bootlegging alcohol leading to a whole network of an organized crime syndicate that controlled the blackmarket of the desired beverage…
psychology has a term for this and it’s called the “forbidden fruit effect” or the “romeo and juliet effect”… we’ve all heard the stories related to both of these topics… adam, eve, the serpent and the apple… romeo, juliet, a bitter family feud and crashing a party… each scenario or such similarities have given us such sayings like, “the forbidden is sure to be sweeter” or “the more forbidden the fruit, the sweeter the juice”…
here i sit in the early morning hours on palm sunday trying to figure out how to confess my thoughts during the next reconciliation day… i cannot even think of which commandment or commandments i am breaking it would fall under… i know it is sure to be a sin, surely mortal, definitely not a venial sin… surely one of the *mournful cello music playing off in the distance* “seven deadly sins”… those are the sins that are transgressions which are fatal to spiritual growth and progress (the really bad ones that can supposedly turn your soul black and earn you an eternity in hell, not even a pitstop in purgatory)…
lust of the flesh: lust, sloth, gluttony… lust of the eyes: greed… pride of life: pride, anger, envy... it is said that once you give into one of these seven sins, the other six are more that ready to seep into your soul… within our own mind, we know that there are those dark shadows within our heart that make those sins beckon to us like the sweetest honey or call to us like the sirens posed upon the rocks to passing sailors ultimately luring them to their deaths..
i came across an explanation for sins and vices… although somewhat similar, there is a base, intrinsic difference… sin is basically an omission, like a ‘white lie’ or a violation, sort of like a speeding ticket, but against your virtues… now a vice, those are the tricky guys… they are like building blocks to one’s character, like a trait such as kindness, humility, compassion… those are rooted at the soul of one’s being, it makes one who they are..
for eons, as told through legends and myths, there is a constant struggle between good and evil, between light and dark… where you have virtues, you have sins… when reading more about sins, the forbidden fruit and things your shouldn’t have or do… it is all a vicious cycle: forbidden fruit, sin, forbidden fruit, sin and round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody knows…
speaking of the spiritual aspect of the sin/forbidden fruit side of my struggle, the human nature side of it is about the basic want of wanting what you can’t have… strangely, it’s related to basic curiosity and surprisingly, reverse psychology… in the case of curiosity is the greek myth of pandora and the box zeus told her not to look in to… she wanted to look, but knew she wasn’t supposed to by order of the king of all the gods… the box was pandora’s forbidden fruit… a strong sense of anxiousness and an overwhelming sense of curiosity finally got the best of pandora and she opened it thus letting out of the box all the scourge upon the earth…
one part of my own character is to internally analyze everything within my own world and analyze that of which i feel i have control over outside of my world… every which way i analyze it, the outcome comes to nothing... this struggle, this war i am waging within my heart and soul is a daunting one, but i am accepting of it knowing it is silently fought for naught… it involves a person whose soul and spirit is vibrant and bright it is almost blinding, their voice is so passionate when they speak, even on the most mundane of topics, you feel as if you hang on their every word, their mannerisms are so kind and gentle, their laughter and humor utterly genuine…
one might even say to give in to taking a bite of your forbidden fruit is to be careful of what you wish for, you may not like it as in the case of pandora's box… “an indulgence or a pleasure that is illegal or is believed to be immoral. “ as defined in freedictionary.com is what forbidden fruit means… most of us attribute this to adam and eve and the serpent in the garden of eden… but in my internal battle, there is no adam, there is no eve and there is no garden of eden… the forbidden fruit and the wars of sins and vices over virtues will rage on silently until the day good triumphs over evil and prayer triumphs over self-analysis..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
