to dream of olivier

okay, so, I haven’t written in a while..it’s not as if I haven’t had anything to write, I just have too much to write and not sure where to start.. well, I can start off with a weird, strange dream I had the other night.. It seems like a good place to start, time to delve into the bizarre annals of my innermost psyche.. bust out the popcorn and slurpees and prepare to be amazed (or flabbergasted, either one works..)

scene one from the dream I had..

bungalow styled interior – dark, mahogany wainscoting with pale, cream-colored walls.. muted light filters in through the windows at the front of the house.. the bedroom is light, with dark wood furniture – bed, desk, low & high boy dressers with a mirror behind the door.. across the hall with dark hardwood floors is a bathroom of light gray/gun metal gray/blue tiled floors – smaller tiles of the same color go half way up the wall.. the front door is dark with a dark frame and a small rectangular window with four smaller panes..

I am wearing a pair of pajamas that are too big for me as is the dark blue robe I have on over the pajamas.. i am doing homework at the desk in the room.. the bedroom i am in is not mine.. across the hall, “O”, (full name not used in order to protect their identity) is in the bathroom 'dropping the Brown's off at the pool' business (why I would imagine this man taking a dump in my dream is beyond me, but then again, it’s what came to mind in my dream and I had not control over it’s content).. crazy enough, most dream interpreters refer to seeing someone in this mode of action in their dreams is a sign of financial good luck..?? okay, now that I’ve sidetracked myself, back to the dream.. “O” notices me stepping out of the room and crosses the hallway to the bedroom and meets me halfway.. he kisses my forehead and then, at the other end of the hall, the front door opens up and a dark haired woman walks in.. I try to duck back into the room, but he holds onto to me and says it’s just one of his friends, not to worry, they are all waiting to meet me..

scene two..

the backyard of the house is decked out in full festival style.. strings of lights hang from trees, chinese lanterns hanging from random branches, tiki torches with dancing flames and festive music.. many tables full of food, drinks, desserts are on a patio.. the smell of smoke from the barbeque grill is familiar and oddly comforting..

I am walking through this party as if I am a ghost.. no one can see me and they are speaking of me as if I am not there.. I overhear the woman who came in through the front door when I was in the hallway with “O” tell another person that I am the girl he has been talking about and she mentions I am going to be a doctor, what a good catch is the reply..

scene three..

I am back in a house I do not recognize at first, but as I walk through the garage, I recognize the house as “J’s” first house.. the cabinets in the garage are built-in, lacquered walnut wood.. the ceiling is of exposed rafters with the nails from the shingled roof poking through.. I quickly find I am looking in a closet that has only empty hangers on the rod and as I look at the floor, which I quickly realize is a wall (I seem to be standing at a weird angle in this room) there is a whole with exposed slats and stucco type wall – reminiscent of the old mission/adobe style home construction - on the other side of the hole in the wall were toys that I had previously seen stored in bins in the rafters of the garage.. as I look through this hole, I hear a voice (plainly the voice of “O” and strangely warm as it is soothing) telling me “J’s” making room for “M’s” daughters.. don’t worry, you are safe with me the voice finishes saying before I once again feel a kiss on my forehead..

I’ve sat here for several days now trying to decipher the message or meaning behind this dream.. in the literal sense, I could say that “O” is my guardian trying to protect me from my fears or dismal future..? or taken in another sense, I do not feel myself worthy of “O” and that the only way I can make myself feel worthy is if I become a member of one of the noblest professions, a doctor.. in addition, I am not necessarily accepting of “J’s” new life, but I cannot lay blame or feel malice toward the children involved and which my subconscious has acknowledged my place or lack of in “J’s” life path..

Throughout the self-analysis of my off the wall dream, I keep coming back to the part that actually shocked me the most.. seeing “O” taking a dump and it’s supposed meaning.. the overall research of my dream was mostly of a dreary outcome, yet, the bathroom scene points to luck in finances.. perhaps a lottery win on the horizon or a long-lost relative bestowing upon me in their final will & testament, a large castle nestled in the deep, green moors of Scotland where the taxes and expenses of owning such an estate have already been taken care of for my lifetime and the lifetime of my heir..?

In thinking back on this dream, it holds, for me, a sense of hope.. not necessarily a life with "O" complete with utter devotion on his part and comfort and safety on my part or a potentially heartbreaking path of life with "J", but I think the dream is telling me I am finally in a place in my life where I am safe and all the fears of my past have now gone into the past where they belong.. and I now realize my future is bright and full of promise..