to dream of olivier

okay, so, I haven’t written in a while..it’s not as if I haven’t had anything to write, I just have too much to write and not sure where to start.. well, I can start off with a weird, strange dream I had the other night.. It seems like a good place to start, time to delve into the bizarre annals of my innermost psyche.. bust out the popcorn and slurpees and prepare to be amazed (or flabbergasted, either one works..)

scene one from the dream I had..

bungalow styled interior – dark, mahogany wainscoting with pale, cream-colored walls.. muted light filters in through the windows at the front of the house.. the bedroom is light, with dark wood furniture – bed, desk, low & high boy dressers with a mirror behind the door.. across the hall with dark hardwood floors is a bathroom of light gray/gun metal gray/blue tiled floors – smaller tiles of the same color go half way up the wall.. the front door is dark with a dark frame and a small rectangular window with four smaller panes..

I am wearing a pair of pajamas that are too big for me as is the dark blue robe I have on over the pajamas.. i am doing homework at the desk in the room.. the bedroom i am in is not mine.. across the hall, “O”, (full name not used in order to protect their identity) is in the bathroom 'dropping the Brown's off at the pool' business (why I would imagine this man taking a dump in my dream is beyond me, but then again, it’s what came to mind in my dream and I had not control over it’s content).. crazy enough, most dream interpreters refer to seeing someone in this mode of action in their dreams is a sign of financial good luck..?? okay, now that I’ve sidetracked myself, back to the dream.. “O” notices me stepping out of the room and crosses the hallway to the bedroom and meets me halfway.. he kisses my forehead and then, at the other end of the hall, the front door opens up and a dark haired woman walks in.. I try to duck back into the room, but he holds onto to me and says it’s just one of his friends, not to worry, they are all waiting to meet me..

scene two..

the backyard of the house is decked out in full festival style.. strings of lights hang from trees, chinese lanterns hanging from random branches, tiki torches with dancing flames and festive music.. many tables full of food, drinks, desserts are on a patio.. the smell of smoke from the barbeque grill is familiar and oddly comforting..

I am walking through this party as if I am a ghost.. no one can see me and they are speaking of me as if I am not there.. I overhear the woman who came in through the front door when I was in the hallway with “O” tell another person that I am the girl he has been talking about and she mentions I am going to be a doctor, what a good catch is the reply..

scene three..

I am back in a house I do not recognize at first, but as I walk through the garage, I recognize the house as “J’s” first house.. the cabinets in the garage are built-in, lacquered walnut wood.. the ceiling is of exposed rafters with the nails from the shingled roof poking through.. I quickly find I am looking in a closet that has only empty hangers on the rod and as I look at the floor, which I quickly realize is a wall (I seem to be standing at a weird angle in this room) there is a whole with exposed slats and stucco type wall – reminiscent of the old mission/adobe style home construction - on the other side of the hole in the wall were toys that I had previously seen stored in bins in the rafters of the garage.. as I look through this hole, I hear a voice (plainly the voice of “O” and strangely warm as it is soothing) telling me “J’s” making room for “M’s” daughters.. don’t worry, you are safe with me the voice finishes saying before I once again feel a kiss on my forehead..

I’ve sat here for several days now trying to decipher the message or meaning behind this dream.. in the literal sense, I could say that “O” is my guardian trying to protect me from my fears or dismal future..? or taken in another sense, I do not feel myself worthy of “O” and that the only way I can make myself feel worthy is if I become a member of one of the noblest professions, a doctor.. in addition, I am not necessarily accepting of “J’s” new life, but I cannot lay blame or feel malice toward the children involved and which my subconscious has acknowledged my place or lack of in “J’s” life path..

Throughout the self-analysis of my off the wall dream, I keep coming back to the part that actually shocked me the most.. seeing “O” taking a dump and it’s supposed meaning.. the overall research of my dream was mostly of a dreary outcome, yet, the bathroom scene points to luck in finances.. perhaps a lottery win on the horizon or a long-lost relative bestowing upon me in their final will & testament, a large castle nestled in the deep, green moors of Scotland where the taxes and expenses of owning such an estate have already been taken care of for my lifetime and the lifetime of my heir..?

In thinking back on this dream, it holds, for me, a sense of hope.. not necessarily a life with "O" complete with utter devotion on his part and comfort and safety on my part or a potentially heartbreaking path of life with "J", but I think the dream is telling me I am finally in a place in my life where I am safe and all the fears of my past have now gone into the past where they belong.. and I now realize my future is bright and full of promise..

stuck in time..??

so, it’s been a while since i’ve written in my very own blog, but as it happens, time is once again being my enemy/frenemy. well, not completely, but it’s easier to lay blame on something that can’t verbally argue back, but it can pay me back in ways that will show (let’s not mention that new wrinkle in my forehead..) i chalk this relationship up to a ‘love-hate’ correlation.

do you ever have the feeling time just flies by, slows down to a snails’ crawl or just seems stuck..? have you ever had them all seem to happen at the same time..? well, to put this in perspective, this morning as i was driving to work (by the way, i’ve put in my order to Santa for a shiny new red helicopter for that easy, breezy ride to work next year), i was not surprisingly stuck in a pocket of traffic; the speed was so slow the car was just idling forward. but what felt like a two hour stand-still was only a two minute time span..? how can that happen..? what happened..? anyone please chime in if they have a reasonable explanation. don’t even try the alien thing.. there was no room for their space ship on the freeway to land or even hover.

as i now realized i still had another twenty minutes to go before i arrived at my destination, i began to think of what might have happened during that two minute/two hour time ‘blip(?)’.. could all of that ‘fly-by’ time as well as all the ‘snail time’ be accumulated in some time continuum account and in order to balance out the cosmic universe, i was put in a state of ‘freeze’ for an indeterminate amount of time..? okay, i’m turning a little science fiction weird at the moment, but what could explain the blip..?

i know there are some of you who would say i am putting w-a-y too much thought and energy into this, but, the way my mind wanders and works, i’m not giving this enough thought. okay, i’ll put this in another perspective. (you can toss tomatoes at me later. make sure none land in the vicinity of my mouth or you will face the consequence of an ‘exorcist-like’ projectile vomit episode – yeah, i know it’s gross, that’s my point..)

maybe it’s just my overall impatience and frustration which makes time stand still, my eagerness or stress-free moment that time seems to fly by and those moments when i’m not sure if i’m impatient or carefree when time seems to be stuck, sort of like letting me enjoy or contemplate my own ‘stolen’ moments. see, that came to mind without the aid of science fiction geekology or the belief of ufo-logy or even the smoke filled crystal ball of madame sasha. in a moment of clarity or peace, i just let myself think it’s a moment given to me by God to allow me a time to chat with him and re-align myself.

the cold, callous world

i've been trying to figure out what to write about for a while and for me to be at a loss of words is *gasp*, almost unheard of.. i put my two cents in on just about everything.. but, when it comes to writing about something that's not quite come to fruition, i'm at a loss.. well, if i were hemingway, i could take a drink or dozen and get some inspiration.. not that i'm going to write anything as noteworthy to garner a Nobel Prize in Literature, i can certainly try.. then, i can see that one as the #1 on the New York Times Bestseller's list already..!

i have, lately, had my fill of rude, obnoxious, insensitive people who can give a rats arse about anyone other than themselves.. i've often heard the golden rule, 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you..' do you have any idea how much crap i would get if i chose that path..? if i dole out the rudeness, the callousness, the insensitivity, the lack of remorse, i would be struck down by that one random lightening strike materializing from a clear, blue sky..

have we become so desensitized by the overall acceptance of indifference in being a member of the proverbial rat-race and continuing on with the mentality of 'every man for himself'..? before any feminists start jumping on my case, the term 'man' is meant as an overall blanket for 'human', not singling out a particular sex.. whether or not you were born with a pair of gonads is not part of the topic..

we've all heard of stories of valor, of heroism and of simple acts of kindness all during times of despair and horrific conditions.. but you rarely hear of any of that during every day life.. i had read from online news site of a group of people somewhere in the midwest (don't quote me on the exact location, but i think i'm close) who witnessed an accident in which a woman lost control of her vehicle and upon impact of hitting a tree, her SUV caught on fire.. to the horror of the passerby's, their were children in the vehicle.. people were skidding to a stop to aid this woman and her children.. a woman pulled out her hose and starting helping put out the flames, men and women breaking the windows of the car to ge the kids out, knives to cut seatbelts to free them.. this was all before the emergency crews could get there..

sure, this was headlines for about a second or two, even had a video shot by a bystander.. but who was the person shooting the video..? why weren't they in there helping all the others..? was the only thought on their mind, "this is sooo going on YouTube! ".. case in point to my whole debate, how callous and heartless is this person that they would rather stand there and shoot video from their cell phone than jump in and save a woman and her children from a burning car..?

the woman and her children were no one famous, no one of celebrity status, but for a brief moment in their lives, they were on the news from coast to coast, on internet news sites.. but, even before the flames were doused and the injured parties whisked off to the hospital, it is no longer of interest.. but it amazed me how there are still people that will risk their own lives to save the life of someone they've never met and they're not paid to do it..

but, what equally amazes me, is that if it were to happen in morning, rush-hour traffic, the people in that car would have died.. people are still so concerned about themselves that they do not stop to look around at who and what effect they have on another person, even if they cross paths only for a blip in time.. to that person who cuts you off, to the person who thinks he/she is getting over on the highway patrol by cruising in the commuter lane with no one but themselves in the car, to the person who tailgates you for miles, you are not gonna win..!

i do not think they understand that they are not proving anything to anyone, especially not themself and definitely not to me.. learn to relax, learn to leave a little early, learn to appreciate the life they have and it does not hurt to smile and say hello to someone they've never met nor will more than likely never see again.. think about how a smile can actually make a person feel better.. and as an added bonus, in this shaky economy, all the things i've just mentioned are free..!

oh, and don't get me started on the employees at a certain grocery store in pleasanton on sunol blvd just before bernal road (we'll not let the name *cough*raley's*cough* get out).. talk about rude, insensitive and not to mention downright snobby.. i think someone in the breakroom must have let out an SBD during a staff meeting and cranked up the heat or someone slipped some lemon drops and castor oil into the water cooler.. talk about some stiffs, talk about people that if they smiled or even displayed any emotion other than that of a sour ass puss, it would have shattered the time continuum, it would have shifted the earth and the universe off its axis, putting an end to life as we know it.. smiling and being nice won't get you fired..

okay, i think i've vented enough on one afternoon's ride home.. i just hope tomorrow is much better.. i would take a drink, but i'd rather like to stay amongst the living rather than kicking it with the dead.. not that i have anything against the dead, it's just that i'm not quite ready to chill and haunt anyone at this point in time.. and those on my list, a note, you will be haunted by me, but all in due time.. just be patient, your time will come..

family.. or not..?

i’m not sure where exactly to start this one.. the thing i have on my mind is of a different subject matter from my other ramblings.. this one might come across as rude, uncaring, unfeeling or it might just hit you in the right spot and leave you thinking “huh, that’s right, why didn’t i think of that..!” or “wow, i would have never had the balls to say something like that, well, at least not out loud..”

whether it’s an immediate one or not, where’s the line..? where do you draw the line at helping a family member..? what are the factors that warrant your assistance..? what are the factors that determine you actually help them..? do you have to actually help them..?

case in point: (all names have been changed to protect the identity of all mentioned).. let’s say there is a HUGE annual family party that is the highlight of the year, next to Christmas or Thanksgiving.. but, in comes the predicament.. we all have at least one in our family, the one family member, ‘Felix/Harriet’, that shows up ‘a bit foxed’, to put it lightly.. it's okay to admit it, you know you do..

the reckless relative, Felix/Harriet, calls a family member for a ride to the party.. after several phone calls, Felix/Harriet finds a ride and is now in ‘partay’ mode.. while at the family bash, they go on to add beer, wine (or whine, whichever fits) or any other readily available intoxicant to their already inebriated state..

now comes the time when the party has to end.. who gives Felix/Harriet a ride home (original 'taxi' had the smart mind to bail early)..? what will it cost you (paid in either nerves or actually cash)..? let’s not let it slip our mind that Felix/Harriet have already argued with more than half of the family and a few that were not family.. does Felix/Harriet get pawned off on the unsuspecting relative with no children and who has the cool sports car..? the equally inebriated aunt/uncle who is being driven home by their children/grandchildren..? who draws the long straw..??

do you toss Felix/Harriet in the bed of your truck, the trunk of your car or duct tape their mouth closed and toss them in the backseat with hopes they won’t vomit due to your ‘hell on wheels’ driving style..? or, do you pull a ruthless move and surreptitiously call the police from your cell phone in the restroom and report an unruly, disorderly ‘vagrant’ in the parking lot..?

helping a family down on his/her luck is a given, especially if it is uncharacteristic for this person to have such bad luck.. that is what family is for, granted that the person doesn’t take advantage of the situation.. helping out a family member who keeps having their voodoo doll poked or the rug pulled out from under them until they can find the prick-er or can manage to tack down that rug is all part of you doing your good deeds.. but when does that help cross that line in the sand..?

consider for a moment these possible factors..: who volunteered you..?? is this person notorious for such behavior..? how much actual money will it cost you..? will it cause a rift between you and your spouse/partner..? will it cause a rift between you and any family member (mom, dad, grandparent, aunt/uncle, cousin)..? again, who volunteered you..??

i think what it all boils down to is what it will cost you in nerves.. sure it might cost you some cash in gas money, but lending or not lending assistance to the overly-obnoxious, ultra-inebriated Felix/Harriet will surely have a widespread rippling effect upon all family members whether they actually chipped in to help in one form or another or not.. but, then again, there is always the thought of disowning such a hapless individual..

at the end of a trying day, aunt flo or uncle floyd will just have to get over your lack of eagerness when it comes to your idiotic relative.. your nerves and well-being, not to mention the nerves and well-being of your children and/or children of the other family members, are worth much more than assisting the wretch.. call him/her a cab and save yourself some much needed nerve cells.. and if they reach their destination and realize they don’t have any cash, don’t answer the phone when they call..!

mysteries of the universe

okay.. so i’ve been slacking off in the blog department this month.. lots going on, not enough time to do it all.. but, I will get back into a regular groove once things mellow out; it had better mellow out soon because I need some sleep..!

one thing that has been on my mind for a while, and it’s probably a redundant subject since I talk about it a lot.. what it is is what makes a guy pick one girl over another.. it’s starting to become one of the mysteries of the universe, or at least in my vast universe.. also, what deems a woman ‘pick-worthy’..?

i know what you may be thinking, but before you voice it, let me continue with my train of thought, no sidetracking me.. all those that know me tell me i am a good catch, guys are just idiots who don’t see who i am or what i can bring to the table.. my mom, bless her heart, is with the opinion that i have one ass, i don’t need another.. that comment brings in the rounds of laughter which surprisingly has truth in it..

but i cannot help but think that there is no one out there for me and i will, for the remainder of my life, be forced to endure the behind-the-hand whispers and the patronizing words meant to give me comfort by ‘well-meaning’ family and friends.. after all, i am a strong woman and can handle the demands of being a single, successful woman with gusto.. no snickering from the sidelines and giggling because i do know where you sleep..

this is it, this one thing that has been puzzling me.. let’s make a scenario.. a man dates a woman for say 5 years and then does an about face, deciding he wants to see other people because he’s not quite ready to settle down.. then, a month later, brings the new girl around the family and he is overheard pledging his undying love, his protection and believes he can’t live without her..

talk about a blow to the ego.. what was he doing with her all those years..? was she there to prep and prime him for the next woman because she isn’t quite what he wants..? building up his self-esteem, self-worth because he can’t do it himself and needs someone to assist him so he doesn’t look like a total jackass when ‘ms. right’ comes along..? it’s hard not to think in the negative when something like this happens.. were all those years she spent with him wasted..? how else can one think of the time spent..? but, due to the simple fact i am a woman, it always leaves me with the amazement of the inner-workings of the male mind.. what makes him tick..? what controls his switch..? is he really, truly the shallower, narrower-minded and oblivious of the human species..?

then along comes the other scenario that puzzles me.. well, actually throws me for a loop because it’s just so ridiculous in my eyes that it absolutely floors me.. a man meets a woman, dates her for a few months, then decides things aren’t going the way he feels it should be going and calls it quits, using the demoralizing phrase, “we should just be friends..”.. a period of time goes by and then all of a sudden, the horses-ass starts making his presence known, stating all-so-subtly, that he made a *gasp* mistake and would like to see where things might go..

the first thought that comes to mind is it went into the toilet and long since flushed, concluding it went in there for a reason.. is it gall, conceit or simple, unadulterated stupidity on the man’s part that he believes just because he’s been bitten on the ass by his own conscious, the woman, in all her pining time for him, will suddenly jump up for joy, thanking her lucky starts he’s finally come around and she should be pleased he ‘finally saw the light’, glad that he will once again grace her with his magnificent presence..?

okay, enough with my own eye rolling.. i can actually see some humor in both of the situations.. ‘ms. right’ has turned out to be a person whom his family, in his own words, is "very accepting of whomever he dates", can’t stand being near her and the conceited jackass is still trying to rear his clueless head even after i oh-so subtly insulted him using him as an example.. amazingly, he agreed with what i said, totally unaware i was making cracks about him with him even commenting he knew exactly what i was saying and adding life was too short to deal with idiots like that..

my thought to ponder or my question to pose, in rhetorical terms of course, why do men do stuff like this..? do they believe the grass is greener in the other pasture..? why, after a time period, do they feel we women would welcome them back..? do their actions regress back to a time in mammalian history where it was the goal of mating to chose the best mate in order to ensure the longevity of our species..? uh, I think the last one might be a bit far fetched.. the idea of ensuring our longevity paired with the thought of this crossing the modern man’s mind is quite mind-boggling..

well, i do apologize if i come across as a man-basher, it’s just boils down to the age-old saying.. ‘a few rotten apples don’t necessarily ruin the whole barrel..’ there are some good ones out there, it's just the bad ones seem to be taking up more space.. with all that said, it’s time for a cup of hot chocolate to chilllax my mind after dredging up the thoughts of the two oafs..

to stab or not to stab..

i’ve always wondered about the quote, “a true friend stabs you in the front”.. there has to be a lot said for the audacity of such a person to execute such a heinous act.. to violate a person’s trust so completely and to inflict such base injury is utterly evil.. this is all metaphorical, not actual; simply a figure of speech.. but, then comes the flip side.. the all-too-common back-stabbing..

i didn’t realize that the being stabbed in the back is actually a ‘legend’.. stemming from, of all places, the political arena of Germany (post World War I and pre World War II).. it all had to do with, to summarize the ‘stab-in-the-back legend’, it is a reference to a popular social theory in which the general German public failed to take part in aiding their country in the war effort and it was said that such unpatriotic acts were the intentional sabotaging of national pride by particular social groups, deemed as traitors who were working in cahoots with foreign interests and against the war efforts, of which was ultimately blamed for Germany’s defeat.. okay, enough of the boring lesson in history, time to get down to the gist of my babbling for the evening..

have you ever felt like you’ve stabbed in the back..? I’m sure most can say yes, since i have yet to meet anyone who hasn’t.. well, at least, not yet.. it can be a blatant act or one so graciously accomplished you still have a tough time reconciling it actually happened.. the blatant acts are, by no means, worse than the unobtrusive.. either one leaves you feeling duped and hoodwinked..

the subtlety of the offender’s outright malice is so well disguised you are left feeling like you were the offender rather than the offended, like you are the one who needs to apologize.. have you ever had that happen..? truthfully..? but, after realizing you actually felt the need or the overwhelming desire to ask for forgiveness, you see the well-concealed smugness on the offender’s face and you are left with no leg to stand on.. you’ve given up the one card you had only to be trumped, quite gracefully I might add, by said offender..

now, i am sure you are all wondering where this is going.. patience, my apprentice, patience.. okay, this tangent stems from a conversation i had with a friend of mine today.. the principal offender of today’s conversation was one of a person who self-importance has since left many people drained of all energy and most of the life sucked right out of them.. this person was, at one point, someone most thought they could trust.. a person whom most thought was looking out for their best interest..

well, to define trust for the sake of this argument.. it is for the most part a generous act.. it’s opening yourself to another person while assuming that person would not use the newly presented information to bury you.. to further define or clarify this particular argument, this is purely on a professional level, defining trust on a personal level takes on a whole new allusion of which i am not sure i would have the time left in my life to delve into..

to put all of this into a nice, neat nutshell simply for time and space.. how does one take on a person who is supposed to be the proverbial ‘captain of the ship’, when, in all sense of reality, is in fact one of the rats on a sinking ship..? how do you take on someone who has the power to give the “emperor’s thumbs up/thumbs down”, the decisive moment when you are tossed to the lions or you’re allowed to live and fight another day..? how do you take on someone who puts a spin on all your conversations, questions your knowledge and experience and all the while, stabbing you in the back with a smile on their face, charming you into believing you deserve such treatment..?

being stabbed in the back, or the front for the sake of the stabbing argument, is an act which should be ranked amongst society's most heinous of crimes.. although not physically harmed with gaping, bloody wounds or missing, dangling body parts, you are nonetheless wounded in a way by this person's violation of your simple act of kindness and trust.. c'mon, that has to count for something, right..? the person should be held accountable for simply watching out for their own ass and not that of their 'shipmates'.. they're the captain of the ship after all.. when all is said and done, this person doesn't go down with their ship, they are the rat that floats on one of the barrels from the cargo hold, to watch the ship's masts disappear beneath the stormy waves on its way to a watery grave..

free at last

today might be a short thought, maybe or maybe not; all depends on how much i want to dwell on my newfound autonomy.. for once in a long time, my mind seems relatively clear and free of the usual, customary dregs and trash.. but when I think about it, it is almost daunting.. the thought occurs to me that my mind is undisguised and open.. i’ve actually let all the issues, questions, problems, concerns and whatnot that i’ve let plague my psyche for what seems like forever to finally pass on..? wow, now there’s something..

internally, my mind is usually in high gear, sort of like a bugatti veyron on the autobon, and externally, my body is a vision of tranquility mixed with a splash of feistiness simply to let those who dare to get too close to my sleeping bear persona that I am aware, alive and ready to pounce at any second.. but, most who know me know that I am more bark than bite; surprisingly, even that is able to keep most of the leery at arms’ length..

i know my mindless moment has something to do with my latest stint of self-imposed exile and martyrdom finally coming to an end and at long last, allowing myself the gratifying taste of a scorching freedom i had denied myself for the last couple of dark and hazy years.. it was as if i had opened a set of large french doors leading out onto the pristine, white sand of the beaches of tahiti and allowing the refreshingly balmy ocean breeze to take my sanity by the hand and drive out the unhealthy, damaging chronicles of a time past, which are receding now into oblivion, and filling it with a promising outlook with no limits.. the world is mine for the taking..

the trials and tribulations of life are supposedly supposed to make you stronger, sort of like the saying ‘what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger’.. hell, with that on the table, i should be hercules or zeus by now.. i know, with all the punches that have been thrown at me, i have, fortunately, emerged relatively unscathed from the doggy-pile of life with minor bruises and yes, a stronger person for it..

i’m not saying I have lead a life of hardship or charm, far from it.. I do believe I am harder on myself that the average person.. I relatively carry a lot on my shoulders and I do appreciate the task atlas was handed when he was compelled to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders.. not meaning to take a jab at or lessen any other person’s own personal burden, I know the feeling and know it well.. but, to me and what i am saying in light of my newfound freedom of mind, it is absolutely exhilarating when you can wake up and the only thought on your mind is “take a deep breath and let’s see what the world is going to offer me today..”; all the while, knowing it will be something perfect..

between happy and puzzled

tonight, i'm in a wierd funk.. somewhere in between happy and puzzled.. i know, it's probably not normal for most people to have these two particular emotions rearing their heads at the same time, but lately, for me, it's commonplace.. i've got so many things going on in my mind i feel as if it's rush hour at grand central station within my already tired, sleep-deprived psyche.. and trying to rein in the abundant overflow of rampant, meandering dialogue without sounding like a total, uncomprehensible schmuck, i'm forcing myself to bide my time with the hope my latest passage doesn't reveal my mind to be one of a complete, neurotic mess or a simple, blubbering idiot.. hey, no comment from the peanut gallery.. (you know who you are..)

one of the perilous thoughts making its rounds is the one of "you don't know what you have until it's gone.." that idea makes so much sense, but in the same, it has absolutely no significance.. let me try to explain this one, with, of course, a personal story.. no need for kleenex and keep the flying shoes and rotten tomatoes to yourself or at least, wait until i'm done to pass judgement..

i was engaged at one point in time.. to my high school sweetheart, if you can believe that.. we went to different high schools at the beginning of our senior year (i had met him during the summer before senior year) and he would drive 15 miles to my school so i didn't have to walk home.. i felt like i was walking on clouds when i was with him.. he was always a perfect gentleman.. but, in the course of the four year relationship, we became almost strangers.. we had our own group of friends and on my 21st birthday, it was a pivotal point in my life..

he took me to dinner, saying it was going to be just the two of us.. however, when we showed up at the restaurant, his friends were there with their girlfriends.. boy, was that an uncomfortable evening, but the shy, quiet person i was, i didn't let my surprise and unhappiness show because i didn't want to appear ungrateful to these people i didn't really know..

almost one month to the day, i was on my way home, driving his new car and something hit me like a ton of bricks.. not literally hit me, but one of those very rude, vile awakenings.. so powerful that in the same instant, i was in tears.. not a light shower, but a torrential downpour.. i was sitting in traffic and all i could think about was "he is going to be angry i am late, not worried, but angry.. i have his car and he was expecting to go somewhere by a certain time.."

in that nanosecond of my life, i realized what a horrible place i was now in.. with a diamond solitaire engagement ring upon my finger, plans already in motion and all i wanted to do was nothing more than to run, to run as fast as i could in the other direction or any direction as long as it didn't lead me to him.. but, being the ever-dependable, trustworthy person i had come to be, i made my way, slowly through the heavy afternoon traffic, to his house.. i quietly walked in, greeting his parents whom i had come to love as my own and made my way to his room.. i peacefully and solemnly removed my engagement ring and the promise ring he had given me on our first christmas, softly dropping them into his hand.. all i could say was said sorry, then i left..

mind you, this was not an easy decision.. amidst rumors of him cheating and actual females calling his house (i'd unfortunately answered the phone once and handed it to him, he then proceeded to talk to her as if i was not there..) and his adamant discouragement of my wanting to continue with college.. with the few women on his coattails, i walked away from a future so many had believed was ideal and so full of promise..

as if someone had hit him with a mallot and knocked some sense or awareness of what was happening, i was bombarded with roses, phone calls, late night serenades.. "a little too late.." was all i could say.. i had become the forbidden fruit, the epitomy of all he wanted, but couldn't have.. i had asked him once why he had chosen to spend time with the others when he was supposed to be spending time with me.. his answer was "you were always be there.. no matter what, i could count on you being there.. but i was wrong and now there's nothing i can do.." he had said that he knew what he had, but was too stupid and arrogant to realize it at the time.. i've had a few relationships since then and each one of them ended with the same thought "if i knew what i had when i had it, i would have held on with everything i had to keep you from slipping away.."

i sit here wondering what all that means.. i've remained friends with each of the families of the respective guys, but don't talk to the guy, with the exception of one.. the family's still love me, still think of me as one of theirs, always wishing me well, continuously wishing things would have turned out differently.. not a day goes by that i don't wonder if this was this all part of some plan, like fate or destiny, that has put me into these relationships only to pull me out of them and toss me onto unknown path, quietly leading me away from something that was already destined to go bad like sour milk.. but, what is my path..? to be a good person..? i hope i am.. to be a good mom..? i think i am.. to be the person behind the glass that no one can touch and only look at..? it seems like it..

i sometimes felt like the toy at the store that people pick up and think about purchasing, but change their mind somewhere on their way to the cashier, only to leave me in some random aisle, lost and away from what i had come to know as comfort and familiarity.. but, for reasons i can't yet explain without sounding completely daft, i somehow find myself happy these relationships ended.. although i don't have the guy, i was given much more in return.. i have great friends because of them.. friendships that have helped me, soothed me, empowered me, made me grateful i was given such a gift that even their now long-gone presence cannot take away..

i now know that the saying "you don't know what you have until it's gone.." isn't necessarily an edict of misfortune or one of those pessimistic observations told for eons, it's one of those things that i have come to chalk up as a blessing in disguise.. the intial pain of loss was there, but once all has settled and all the chips have fallen, i was left with so much more than if they had actually stayed..

the three old hags

well, time is gonna be an enemy of mine for sometime and has been.. this particular time, it's in the case of attempting to keep my words written down in a timely fashion.. see, time again..!

we’ve all heard the sayings regarding time.. time is irrelevant; time is relevant; time heals all wounds; time is precious; time flies when you are having fun and slows when you worry; your time is up!.. and so on.. but, what does it all really mean..? is time a state of mind..? i am beginning to really believe that there is actual truth in that comment.. sure, we can have clocks, multitudes of clocks, to pinpoint a moment in time but what does it all really mean..? clocks are another way for us to compartmentalize and document our lives, to keep track of all the nuances of our lives, to justify why simply exist..

utilize the time you have.. live your life to the fullest.. do not dwell on the ‘could have’s’ because time will not let you get them back.. these sayings are meant to inspire us, to keep us going, to make sure we don’t curl up in the fetal position and begin to just let time go by..

i was in a discussion with someone this morning, somewhat related to time, but it centered around control and my own personal tight rein on it.. growing up, i wasn’t truly given ‘time’ to myself, i was busy being molded by my parents and left under the scrutinizing eyes of my brothers when my parents weren’t there.. time, at that point, wasn’t mine.. my time was controlled, nearly every moment.. when to study, when to eat, when to socialize, when to simply just relax..

as an adult, i control my own environment.. when i eat, when i sleep (although at the present moment, insomnia seems to be in control in that department, but i will overcome that one with sheer determination to not allow something to dictate to me), when to work or play.. sometimes, i’m almost fanatical about it.. i am somewhat of a perfectionist and because of it, yes, a perfectionist to the degree that i can be downright anal about it.. but, my thought is that if you are going to waste time doing something wrong, why waste it..? do it right and it’s time well spent..

i read a line today from the movie “The Matrix” and it read “do you believe in fate? no, i do not because i don’t like the fact i’m not in control of my life..” this rang true with me, probably because of my strict upbringing, but it also made me think of time as a state of mind.. possibly fate..? what is that? in simple terms, it means a course in time with a predestined outcome.. my time has already been accounted for and i am basically just walking towards the inevitable..?

my cocoon of the idea of safe control of my own time has just been unraveled and the idea of fate has left me with no control at all..? my thoughts are now of "the three fates"; the three goddesses in greek mythology of fate and destiny, known as the moirae.. the three old hags who weave time and destiny to control your life.. is my life really a ball of yarn in the hands of clotho: the holder of the thread of life, lachesis: the holder of the length the thread of life and atropos: the one who can end it with the snip of a pair of scissors..?

how can this be..? your time is not your own..? sound familiar.. your time belongs to other people as well as yourself and vice versa..? it's what you do and what they do with that time that matters, that shapes your fate..? now, we're back to fate and it being preempted for your viewing pleasure or displeasure.. vicious circle.. ooh, that's another subject..

hmm.. maybe my thoughts on time and control have snowballed into something to above and beyond, but maybe, just maybe, somewhere in the inner workings of my mind, i may have touched upon something to give one a thought to ponder.. is it time to control your own destiny or leave it up to three old hags and a ball of yarn..?

spin me round and round..

do you ever have those days when you feel as if you are on auto-pilot..? as if you are not completely in control, but you know you are..? well, today is one of those days for me.. i know i've been awake, i know i've been at work, but it's been one big blur, the kind of blur you get when you are being spun around before pinning the tail on the donkey as a kid.. repetitive motion is what seems to be saving me at this point.. sometimes the responsibilities of everyday life seem overwhelming, as if there is no end in sight and you want to crawl back into bed, hide underneath the covers just wishing it is all a dream..

i saw a man today, sleeping on the lawn at work.. sound asleep at 6:00pm when i left after a full day of working with things most will never see nor pay attention to if they did.. a backpack was used as a pillow underneath his moppy, blonde, semi-dreadlocked/semi-curly hair.. a dark brown, mechanic-style covered a dirty-looking, moss-green t-shirt and he wore a pair of khaki shorts along with a pair of sockless feet in a pair of dingy, once navy blue shoes.. but, despite his obvious status a homeless man, a hobo, a vagrant, he looked so peaceful..

all this makes me wonder what my life has in store for me.. will i always be so overwhelmed..? will i ever be at peace while alive..? the only peace i have at this moment is watching my child sleep.. knowing that all my responsibilites, one entails making sure she is safe, happy and well-cared for and my peace is solidified by watching her angelic face in a deep slumber.. only if i could sleep that well, but my mind never rests long enough..

degrees of deceit

well, hmmm... what do i write about tonight..?? a common subject, one that i have been mulling over for some time.. yes, i do overanalyze, most of the time.. okay, okay, all the time..

i know some people say, "so, they lied, ahh, don't let it bother you, just roll with it.." or, "it's no big deal, it's not your problem.." it's true, things shouldn't get to the point where they 'bother' me or to where "it's 'not my problem".. but, what really puzzles me, is why people lie in the first place..??

from an early age, your parents teach you "don't lie, lying is not good, lying is one of the worst things you can do and it gets you in a heap of trouble.." who hasn't heard of those sayings before..? only if we listened to our parents from early on, but back then, we knew everything and 'what do they know, they're old'..?

lies are the things you know you tell in order to keep your world intact.. lies are the things that keep you in the best possible light to people whom you want to admire, respect or worship you.. but what happens when all of that comes crashing down and you are revealed as a *gasp* 'fraud'..?

most likely, depending on how good your lies were from the get-go, nothing.. sure, for a while, you will look like a jerk or a bitch to some, but after all the smoke, dust, flying shoes and insults or flames finally die down, do you change your ways..? do you repent and see the light and error of your ways..? in all honesty, probably not.. you go further 'underground' and make sure you cover your path with a few more leaves and branches.. you might sit around kicking yourself for not thinking you could have been smarter about the whole thing, but there are, in those rare cases when, like being beaned in the head with a blunt object, probably the flying shoe, does the person realize what a complete and total moron they have been, then and only then, will they realize what they have done not to one person, but to everyone around them who has been an unwitting part of the lie they created.. do they suck it up and admit their error..? the correct answer would be a firm yes.. but..

as the old saying goes, "life goes on".. sure, you can sit around and stew on what the person has said, what they have done, but do you really honestly think they are doing the same..? once again, probably not.. they probably sleep soundly at night while you toss and turn wondering what they've done and what they are going to do to rectify the situation.. they probably, with all likelihood, are rethinking their game plan and fine tuning their ability to spin tales so the next time it's not so bad or they can carry on with the lie a little longer than last time..

in one of my favorite movies, 'The Count of Monte Cristo'.. one of the characters said to his son, "treason is a matter of dates".. i was just thinking in the back of one's mind is a timeframe.. what if you had actually paid more attention to the timeframe, would it have made the lies easier..? would it have cushioned the blow you felt when the lie was discovered..?

i was once told there are varying degrees to the whole mess of deceit.. three degrees to round it out and to put it into a nice 'box': white lies, brown lies and black lies.. first, the white lie: they are the ones you can tell but won't get into trouble for telling and, by virtue, are harmless.. these supposedly can be used to get yourself out of a tight spot or trouble as necessary.. second, the brown lies: they are the 'iffy' ones.. they may or may not get you into trouble, depending on how you deal them out; these allow you to be sneaky or creative and it's all on how you present them, but, be prepared for backlash.. and lastly, the black lies (dum dum dummm..): well, for all intents and purposes, they speak for themselves and pretty much don't need any explanation.. except once these are revealed, you might want to pack up and take that trip to nepal until the radiation dies down..

all of us are guilty of using the three degrees throughout our daily lives.. we're human, it's in our nature.. but, it's all a matter of how or even why you use them.. too much and it's bad.. too little and you're either not altogether human and should be beatified as a saint or you are guilty of lying to make yourself look good.. either way, in the land of categorizing everything under the sun and beyond, how would you categorize your world, your own universe..? white, brown or black..? think of the lies and plan accordingly..

men falling from trees

okay, so today i must be on a roll.. after my ramblings of a dead, past relationship, i've decided to toss around the idea of a 'man tree', this idea coming from a day of watching movies with my sister-in-law in which the movies had several hot men.. rob pattinson, ivan sergei, christian bale to name a few.. and we wondered what tree we needed to stand next to or under in order for men like them to fall out of.. kinda like isaac newton being hit on the head with an apple (yes, there is much debate if this actually happened, but in the case of gravity proving its point, i'm sure most will let this debate fall to the wayside)..

my sister-in-law said she was standing under the right tree at the right time because my brother fell into her life (well, walked into the garage at his house where she and one of her friends happened to be playing pool with his roommates-bro's house was the hang-out for their group of friends).. i told her i have had no such luck, i have been standing under the wrong tree because i keep ending up with rotten fruit.. she laughed and then the both of us began to wonder where the trees were that the men in the movies fall from and if they exist in real life..

where is the tree with rob pattinson..? keanu reeves..? robert downey, jr..? and let us not forget the men like ivan sergei with his deep dimples, christian bale with his rough, swarthy voice and hugh jackman with, well, everything..? sure these men are what most of us women would call ideal, but it's their job to be as such.. they are actors.. they play a part and, more than likely, are nothing like who they really are behind the camera and photos.. but, it would be great to be under the tree when one of them fell out..

i may be a bit biased, but i do admit, my sister-in-law did find a good one (despite his habitual moodines, for which i am guilty of as well - to be blamed on genetics a learned trait from living in such close quarters for the first 18 years of our lives).. but, i sat there in silence, pondering this question of when is that guy going to fall out of the tree and land on me like the apple did on isaac newton..? maybe i'm in the wrong orchard or grove of trees (the bay area is quite populated, but the availability might be a bit lacking, hardly a bumper crop)..

being a single woman seems to bring out people's advice on how to find that 'tree'.. the church tree, the library tree, the grocery store tree.. all supposedly a great place to meet a good guy.. the bar/disco/nightclub tree is strictly forbidden.. even more so than the tree of knowledge in the garden of eden.. this is one tree you do not stand under or pick at the fruit.. this is considered a highly poisonous tree and should be completely avoided at all costs.. before you even think about the temptation, back away slowly and trust me on this one..

in an orchard of more than its fair share of trees which harvests nearly 3 million residents (not sure what the male population percentage is and don't have a clue what the single/unattached male ratio is compared to its female counterpart), i've managed to pick up 6 bad pieces of fruit.. i've heard that you've got to go through several rotten apples til you find the right one, but come on.. i think it's getting a bit out of control and downright old, not to mention just plain mean..

but, in my frame of a newly enlightened mind, i can take my time looking for the perfect apple to fall out of the 'man tree'.. who knows, maybe i might find a rob pattinson, a keanu reeves, a joaquin phoenix *sigh* or, if i were extremely lucky, the real mc coy of one of the previously mentioned guys..?? now, that i've woken up from one of my vividly colored dreams in a fit of laughter, i know there has to be a 'man tree' with my name on it out there.. i just have to keep my eyes open.. it may take a while, but i'm sure one day, i'll find it..

it's been a while..

okay, so.. i haven't written a blog in nearly a month.. lots of ramblings, grumblings and what not going on since then in addition to a lot of self-discoveries.. i had an epiphany of sorts.. i was out with a friend of mine over the weekend and for the first time in a long time, i felt free.. it's hard to explain, but i truly felt i had not a care in the world other than just to enjoy myself that evening.. my heart felt light, my mind felt clear and i felt truly at peace..

as a side note and to add to the excitement of the evening, which was a bit lacking.. not due to anything on my or my friends' part, just not a 'jumping' scene in capitola.. we found ourselves sort of in the middle of the age groups.. it was either new 21rs or post 50's.. we were feeling like we stuck out like sore thumbs, so we left.. taking a drive through the hopping, happening city of capitola, only to be pulled over by capitola's 'finest(?)'.. no offense, officer duggan. i apparently didn't stop long enough at a stop sign and was driving a bit too close to the white line next to the bike lane.. after being asked to follow his finger as he moved it from left to right in front of my face with a flashlight focused on me (i had told him i didn't and don't consume any alcohol and cheerfully told him i was coming from 'margaritaville' when asked where i had been), he nicely cautioned me to pay better attention to stop signs then sent me off on my way..

but the conversation that was in full-swing prior to being stopped was one of such private thoughts of my own that i was surprised i voiced them.. surprisingly, when i did, i felt as if someone turned off the cloud machine (those of you who have watched 'igor' might recognize this) and there was nothing that could stop my smile from emerging as if it had been in a vegetative state for years.. letting so many repressed memories and deeply hidden thoughts/fears out was such a weight off of my chest, shoulders, mind (whichever body part you can relate this to).. i can never thank my friend enough for just listening to me vent and talk that night and she did so without one ounce of censure or disapproval.. she just listened..

for years, i've always thought if i just did this right, he would like me.. if i said this, he would realize what a good person i am.. if i acted this way, he might chose me.. if i did all the things he liked, he would want to be with me.. i've known what crap this was for a while, but the fear of being insignificant and unwanted buried this so far into my psyche's dark side, i was beginning to believe if i were all the things he wanted, i would be 'the one'.. but what happened to me..? what happened to my own identity..?

i was basically thrown under the provervial bus by him.. not once did he say with any truthfulness that he wanted to be with me, that i was the one he wanted, that he would take me as i am, flawed or flawless, i was the 'one' for him and that i was his equal in every way.. sure he did say these things (every one of them) but in hindsight, it was almost as if they were flashcards, pulled out in situations to get him out of as quickly and as unscathed as possible smelling like a freshly bloomed rose and i would still look at him as the ideal man he believed himself to be..

all the conversations we had, all the times we shared, all the time spent together talking about the future, which was in his mind a generalization when in my mind it was solid, was nothing.. i had allowed myself to become insignificant.. i had allowed myself to become the 'stand-in' girl until someone better came along, the someone he wanted.. it was a crushing moment when it all hit me, but at the same time, it was a relief.. a relief only i can feel and that i can never really describe without losing some of the emotion in translation..

for years, i allowed myself to be fooled into believing that this guy would one day flip a switch and say i'm ready to be with you, you are truly what i want, i want to spend every last day i have in my lifetime with you.. but, in the end, even with him still telling me to give him some time to work out his 'demons', to be patient with him, my switch flipped and i realized he was nothing.. he was as insignificant to me as i was to him..

hearing myself talk about him as if someone else were speaking the words were a horror to me.. i realized in that conversation that i was the woman i hated hearing about because i felt she was weak, the woman who let stuff like this happen to them out of fear of being alone and unwanted.. i was the woman who let a man use her like a door mat, use her like she was insignificant, use her as if she were really nothing other than a fill in, like spackle in a crack on the wall.. somewhere in all of my desperate need to be wanted, i lost control of my identity and chose to 'satellite' around this man whom i had looked up to as if he were better than me, that i was to be grateful he wanted me around..

those very thoughts and ramblings that night sent every conception of him being a good person, a decent person and a man who was supposed to be worthy of me (and not the other way around) crumbling to a pile of ash and rubble, crashed down to earth like a ball of flames.. i am worth so much more than this man could ever imagine.. not speaking out of spite or of anger, i will truly never wish him a good life or prosperity, he doesn't deserve such tokens of good-will , i don't believe i can ever offer such high regards to him.. it would be completely unwarranted and it would go against everything i believe in..

i, on the other hand, wish myself the world, hell, i wish myself the universe.. i know i am not entitled to anything, but my life is what i make of it and it's going to be okay without him in it (i honestly thought at one point in time, i couldn't go on without his presence).. i will, in time, find a soul who is worthy of me and who can say, in all honesty, i am perfect the way i am.. but, if my path in my life is meant to be walked alone, i will do it without fear of being lonely, i will do it because it's what makes me happy.. in my moment of enlightenment, my moment of bright-light realization that night, on the drive through capitola, i know with all certainty, i absolutely love who i am..

dead fish

on thursday, my daughter's pediatrician was still the topic of the day.. two friends agreed that he was mostl likely flirting or trying to make some kinda move on me.. but as oblivious to most moves of this sort, I had said that you would probably have to hit me in the back of the head with a dead fish for me to really pay attention to such attentions bestowed upon me by a member of the opposite sex.. then, one friend wondered if such behavior was related to true oblivion or a sense of low self-esteem, in that i may feel i am not privvy to such attentions..

this thought had me pondering such a scenario.. for the most part, i do think it's all part of my oblivious nature, walking through life with blinders when it comes to flirting men, but i do believe the idea of low self-esteem to have its merit.. not to toot my horn, but (well, beep-beep.. i just had to do it..) being told i'm smart is nail #1 in the coffin not to mention being pretty, nail #2 in the coffin.. so, i sat back and thought for a while then stepped back to took a look at a lot of friends and observed their relationships and mine as well..

smart friends.. the guys they tended to enter into a relationship with are either so driven that they are borderline freakishly controlling or just downright asses.. they also tended to be so boring that you would enjoy watching paint dry rather than have to talk with them.. is this the path for a smart woman..? hmm.. let us go on..

pretty friends.. the guys they tended to enter a relationship were controlling to the point that the men would pick out their clothes they wore, sat at the salon with them to make sure their hair or nails (mani & pedi) were done to his specs.. they tended to be big, muscle heads that when brains were being passed out they figured they could use the space for more brawn and took that route.. or the guy was such a jerk and she actually felt fortunate to have found someone..

now, the pretty and smart friends.. this combo alone is not so bad if you can get passed the variety of weeds you encounter, but sadly, it is somewhat lethal.. not in an actual real sense, but more of a sense of you are alone more than the others and that it is when the lethal factor comes into play on your social life..

it's as if most men look for a way to feel superior, whether its with his own smarts or his own looks (including accessories, ie: the car or checkbook), but to have a woman with both, intimidation sets in and tends to set in fast.. most men won't approach a woman with both.. and if the woman has more of an earning power than the approaching member of the opposite sex, it tends to be another nail in the coffin, not necessarily the final one, but it's close..

to kind of sum up what i've said, it might be a bit of oblivion with a sprinkling of low self-esteem which tends to work for me not to take notice when a man is flirting or attempting his mojo moves on me.. i'm not saying i'm this smart, pretty, high earning woman, but there is something going on..

after a while, i've come to feel more comfortable in my oblivion.. is it a part of being one of the many people of the low self-esteem persuasion..? probably and if it is, then i am officially signed up and am receiving my weekly newsletter along with the commemorative hat or lapel pin..

x-ray vision

i had a conversation with a friend of mine the just yesterday.. as usual when women get together, it leaned toward the topic of men.. no, not the typical men-bashing sessions so many men claim us women do when we get together, but it was more of a wonderous insight into men's apparent ability of x-ray vision..

i know, this sounds kind of wierd and no, it's not about those x-ray specs from when you were a child with a hole in the middle of a paper 'lens' with a tiny feather in between to mimic the human skeleton, it's more along the lines of a man's ability to see past our armor and see us..

it all started when i had mentioned i took my daughter to see her pediatrician and said i thought he was flirting with me during the visit.. he's very nice man, mild-mannered, soft-spoken and faintly handsome.. faintly meaning i'm not supposed to think my daughter's pediatrician is hot, but in all honesty, he's a nice-looking man..

so, here's the scoop.. we waited a few minutes in the waiting room at his office and then was led to one of the exam rooms.. just as my daughter was reaching for a book, he walks in, says hello to my daughter and then to me.. looking over my daughter's chart, he mentions he has no idea why she is there to see him since the woman who scheduled the appointment didn't put down a reason for the visit.. i explained why i brought her in and then he asks if we had taken a test yet.. i said no, we just walked in a few seconds before him.. as he's telling me what we need to do for the test, i noticed he was smiling and joking with me (mind you, this is not the usual doctor i'm used to seeing when i take my daughter to see him-he is the epitomy of professionalism)..

in the process of the light jokes and numerous smiles, i noticed he shaved his moustache and he was now clean-shaven, which casts him into a whole new light.. thinking it was improper to say anything, i chose not to comment i noticed it.. he continued the light chatter as my daughter and i made our way to the restroom.. after emerging from the restroom a few minutes later, i see him talking to one of his nurses in the characteristic straight face, no-nonsense banter i am accustomed to.. when the nurse tells him we are behind him, he turns around and has a large smile on his face and walked with us back to the exam room.. we then left a few mintues but had to return with our 'specimen' for them to test.. when he was told we were in the waiting room, he opened the door and motioned for us to come in the back, almost like a teenager sneaking his/her gf/bf into the house after curfew.. he was all smiles and chatty, so much that i noticed the women at the front desk looking at us.. we left a few minutes later and i felt like a teenager myself for a while, which i do admit was kinda cool..

when i related the story to my friend, she laughed and said he was flirting and seemed to be testing out some of his flirting skills on me.. i blew it off and said no way, i looked like i was ready to curl up on the sofa with a good book, hardly looking as if i were going to be flirted with, let alone, garner the attention of my daughter's pediatrician.. i was wearing my beloved Stanford sweatshirt, a pair of black capris, a pair of red Ed Hardy shoes (complete with skulls, crossbones and roses) and my hair held up in a loose chignon with a pencil..

she told me a man will flirt with someone he finds interesting, regardless of her attire or her 'armor'.. i said i wear both daily, which she laughed and scoffed at, at the same time.. she said men have sort of a built in 'x-ray vision' and they cast aside our attire and armor to see what they want or can see in us.. i thought there might be some truth to her insight, but the cynical female i am, i am not so sure as of yet.. considering i've had my fair share of perverts and dirty old men look beyond my clothes and make lewd, horrifying comments when they thought they were being flirty or whatever the drool is called (let us try to forget the leg-licking comment..)

but, even if my daughter's pediatrician were flirting with me or was just being nice to me because he was having a good day, his uncharacteristic behavior was just the thing i needed to make my day.. it was nice to have an attractive man just simply flirt and smile at me and to know that it was completely harmless.. oh, by the way, during all the whatever that was going on, i did notice he has a beautiful pair of dark, chocolate brown eyes behind his glasses.. :)

my thoughts of the day..

today, i sit with a ton of thoughts swirling in the vastness of my mind.. i just wonder what goes on in *gasp* "the male mind".. take for example the simple act of saying hello to one of them.. then he completely ignores you for a week and counting.. or he says hello to you, you respond and then 'crickets'.. or when he who drops off the face of the earth, then wonders, no let me rewrite that, has the nerve to wonder why you haven't talked to him.. and to your surprise or not, before you can say anything, he disappears like a fart in the wind..

i've chalked it up to being one of the many mysteries of the universe.. kinda like how the cosmos were created, how life on earth came to be and is there really life on other planets.. science does its best to explain the events, but there is always something left that can't quite be explained by science or technology.. so, it's left up to divine interpretation, only to be explained by the higher being.. and that higher being is supposed to be gender neutral or is it..? ah, do i sense a possible consipiracy..?

get a bunch of your girlfriends together and discuss this.. what would be the outcome..?? the responses could scare off even the 'divine'.. all watered down, a simple "hang them by their balls" or take and wipe the thoughts of them with your bum, toss it into a swirly, watery grave and be done with it.. but, despite your girlfriends best intentions of ridding you of the puzzling thoughts of the male mind, they lurk.. lurk in the recesses, rearing its head or ass (depending on the advice of which friend you are speaking) and leaves you right back where you were at the beginning, at square one..

but, then again, is it safe to sit down and discuss this with your best girlfriends..? air your thoughts over a triple shot, no foam, extra vanilla vente caramel macchiato topped with whipped cream and a dusting of chocolate powder..? should some of your private thoughts really be taken to the grave..? or discussed in the presence of a *looking both directions* therapist..? well, for now, the yummy drink at starbuck's will have to be the therapist.. what about being the real fly on the wall..? i bet that fly has heard and seen some of the best stuff ever, sadly, it only lives for a few days, to never reveal its secrets.. boy, but would it be cool to be it for those few days they are alive..! i'd be the first fly ever to learn how to blog..

how would one label me..? single and unnattached..? single and uninvolved..? single and don't even think about checking me out cuz i will land the hardest roundhouse kick imaginable right in the middle of your family jewels that great-great-great grandpa shmoe will feel it..? might be a little harsh, but i'm sure, when dealing with the flippant male mind, it's really not so harsh..

in the time it took to jot down my daily rumblings, has it brought me any closer to a realization or a 'tada' moment in understanding the interworkings of the male mind..? uhmm, not even close..

recipes

today, i had a discussion with a friend of mine about family recipes.. to share, not to share, to share w/ ex's.. we decided sharing with a particular ex would be bad for family business.. the nerve of the man actually having the daughter spy on grandma in hopes of obtaining a secret family recipe for her tortillas..! sure, you can probably pick out a good tortilla recipe online or go to a relative/friend of relative who happens to know how to make them homemade, but will it yield the result you are desperately in search of..? how secret are family secret recipes..? sure, most are passed down from generation to generation, but where do you draw the line at recipe gathering involving surreptitious spying and covert espionage..? stealthy pictures of grandma's hands (knowing her hands are her 'measuring cups')..? the only hope is the attempted recruiting of an unknowing child at gathering is was thwarted.. the attempt by the ex was deemed low and in words that gained a hearty round of laughter: "he's lower than the dirt on the bottom of a pile of dog poo.."

in my family, we have recipes that have been passed down through the generations.. some, after following the recipe, are not as tasty as the recipe claims (to put it nicely).. and some are downright scrumptious..! i guess, after thinking about the topic of the day, my friend and i decided if her ex wanted a recipe from her family, he'd have to cough up one of his mom's prized recipes.. in light of the many years since it was first requested and has not yet been handed over, the likelihood of hell freezing over before the recipe swapping happens is the most likely scenario..