to stab or not to stab..

i’ve always wondered about the quote, “a true friend stabs you in the front”.. there has to be a lot said for the audacity of such a person to execute such a heinous act.. to violate a person’s trust so completely and to inflict such base injury is utterly evil.. this is all metaphorical, not actual; simply a figure of speech.. but, then comes the flip side.. the all-too-common back-stabbing..

i didn’t realize that the being stabbed in the back is actually a ‘legend’.. stemming from, of all places, the political arena of Germany (post World War I and pre World War II).. it all had to do with, to summarize the ‘stab-in-the-back legend’, it is a reference to a popular social theory in which the general German public failed to take part in aiding their country in the war effort and it was said that such unpatriotic acts were the intentional sabotaging of national pride by particular social groups, deemed as traitors who were working in cahoots with foreign interests and against the war efforts, of which was ultimately blamed for Germany’s defeat.. okay, enough of the boring lesson in history, time to get down to the gist of my babbling for the evening..

have you ever felt like you’ve stabbed in the back..? I’m sure most can say yes, since i have yet to meet anyone who hasn’t.. well, at least, not yet.. it can be a blatant act or one so graciously accomplished you still have a tough time reconciling it actually happened.. the blatant acts are, by no means, worse than the unobtrusive.. either one leaves you feeling duped and hoodwinked..

the subtlety of the offender’s outright malice is so well disguised you are left feeling like you were the offender rather than the offended, like you are the one who needs to apologize.. have you ever had that happen..? truthfully..? but, after realizing you actually felt the need or the overwhelming desire to ask for forgiveness, you see the well-concealed smugness on the offender’s face and you are left with no leg to stand on.. you’ve given up the one card you had only to be trumped, quite gracefully I might add, by said offender..

now, i am sure you are all wondering where this is going.. patience, my apprentice, patience.. okay, this tangent stems from a conversation i had with a friend of mine today.. the principal offender of today’s conversation was one of a person who self-importance has since left many people drained of all energy and most of the life sucked right out of them.. this person was, at one point, someone most thought they could trust.. a person whom most thought was looking out for their best interest..

well, to define trust for the sake of this argument.. it is for the most part a generous act.. it’s opening yourself to another person while assuming that person would not use the newly presented information to bury you.. to further define or clarify this particular argument, this is purely on a professional level, defining trust on a personal level takes on a whole new allusion of which i am not sure i would have the time left in my life to delve into..

to put all of this into a nice, neat nutshell simply for time and space.. how does one take on a person who is supposed to be the proverbial ‘captain of the ship’, when, in all sense of reality, is in fact one of the rats on a sinking ship..? how do you take on someone who has the power to give the “emperor’s thumbs up/thumbs down”, the decisive moment when you are tossed to the lions or you’re allowed to live and fight another day..? how do you take on someone who puts a spin on all your conversations, questions your knowledge and experience and all the while, stabbing you in the back with a smile on their face, charming you into believing you deserve such treatment..?

being stabbed in the back, or the front for the sake of the stabbing argument, is an act which should be ranked amongst society's most heinous of crimes.. although not physically harmed with gaping, bloody wounds or missing, dangling body parts, you are nonetheless wounded in a way by this person's violation of your simple act of kindness and trust.. c'mon, that has to count for something, right..? the person should be held accountable for simply watching out for their own ass and not that of their 'shipmates'.. they're the captain of the ship after all.. when all is said and done, this person doesn't go down with their ship, they are the rat that floats on one of the barrels from the cargo hold, to watch the ship's masts disappear beneath the stormy waves on its way to a watery grave..

free at last

today might be a short thought, maybe or maybe not; all depends on how much i want to dwell on my newfound autonomy.. for once in a long time, my mind seems relatively clear and free of the usual, customary dregs and trash.. but when I think about it, it is almost daunting.. the thought occurs to me that my mind is undisguised and open.. i’ve actually let all the issues, questions, problems, concerns and whatnot that i’ve let plague my psyche for what seems like forever to finally pass on..? wow, now there’s something..

internally, my mind is usually in high gear, sort of like a bugatti veyron on the autobon, and externally, my body is a vision of tranquility mixed with a splash of feistiness simply to let those who dare to get too close to my sleeping bear persona that I am aware, alive and ready to pounce at any second.. but, most who know me know that I am more bark than bite; surprisingly, even that is able to keep most of the leery at arms’ length..

i know my mindless moment has something to do with my latest stint of self-imposed exile and martyrdom finally coming to an end and at long last, allowing myself the gratifying taste of a scorching freedom i had denied myself for the last couple of dark and hazy years.. it was as if i had opened a set of large french doors leading out onto the pristine, white sand of the beaches of tahiti and allowing the refreshingly balmy ocean breeze to take my sanity by the hand and drive out the unhealthy, damaging chronicles of a time past, which are receding now into oblivion, and filling it with a promising outlook with no limits.. the world is mine for the taking..

the trials and tribulations of life are supposedly supposed to make you stronger, sort of like the saying ‘what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger’.. hell, with that on the table, i should be hercules or zeus by now.. i know, with all the punches that have been thrown at me, i have, fortunately, emerged relatively unscathed from the doggy-pile of life with minor bruises and yes, a stronger person for it..

i’m not saying I have lead a life of hardship or charm, far from it.. I do believe I am harder on myself that the average person.. I relatively carry a lot on my shoulders and I do appreciate the task atlas was handed when he was compelled to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders.. not meaning to take a jab at or lessen any other person’s own personal burden, I know the feeling and know it well.. but, to me and what i am saying in light of my newfound freedom of mind, it is absolutely exhilarating when you can wake up and the only thought on your mind is “take a deep breath and let’s see what the world is going to offer me today..”; all the while, knowing it will be something perfect..

between happy and puzzled

tonight, i'm in a wierd funk.. somewhere in between happy and puzzled.. i know, it's probably not normal for most people to have these two particular emotions rearing their heads at the same time, but lately, for me, it's commonplace.. i've got so many things going on in my mind i feel as if it's rush hour at grand central station within my already tired, sleep-deprived psyche.. and trying to rein in the abundant overflow of rampant, meandering dialogue without sounding like a total, uncomprehensible schmuck, i'm forcing myself to bide my time with the hope my latest passage doesn't reveal my mind to be one of a complete, neurotic mess or a simple, blubbering idiot.. hey, no comment from the peanut gallery.. (you know who you are..)

one of the perilous thoughts making its rounds is the one of "you don't know what you have until it's gone.." that idea makes so much sense, but in the same, it has absolutely no significance.. let me try to explain this one, with, of course, a personal story.. no need for kleenex and keep the flying shoes and rotten tomatoes to yourself or at least, wait until i'm done to pass judgement..

i was engaged at one point in time.. to my high school sweetheart, if you can believe that.. we went to different high schools at the beginning of our senior year (i had met him during the summer before senior year) and he would drive 15 miles to my school so i didn't have to walk home.. i felt like i was walking on clouds when i was with him.. he was always a perfect gentleman.. but, in the course of the four year relationship, we became almost strangers.. we had our own group of friends and on my 21st birthday, it was a pivotal point in my life..

he took me to dinner, saying it was going to be just the two of us.. however, when we showed up at the restaurant, his friends were there with their girlfriends.. boy, was that an uncomfortable evening, but the shy, quiet person i was, i didn't let my surprise and unhappiness show because i didn't want to appear ungrateful to these people i didn't really know..

almost one month to the day, i was on my way home, driving his new car and something hit me like a ton of bricks.. not literally hit me, but one of those very rude, vile awakenings.. so powerful that in the same instant, i was in tears.. not a light shower, but a torrential downpour.. i was sitting in traffic and all i could think about was "he is going to be angry i am late, not worried, but angry.. i have his car and he was expecting to go somewhere by a certain time.."

in that nanosecond of my life, i realized what a horrible place i was now in.. with a diamond solitaire engagement ring upon my finger, plans already in motion and all i wanted to do was nothing more than to run, to run as fast as i could in the other direction or any direction as long as it didn't lead me to him.. but, being the ever-dependable, trustworthy person i had come to be, i made my way, slowly through the heavy afternoon traffic, to his house.. i quietly walked in, greeting his parents whom i had come to love as my own and made my way to his room.. i peacefully and solemnly removed my engagement ring and the promise ring he had given me on our first christmas, softly dropping them into his hand.. all i could say was said sorry, then i left..

mind you, this was not an easy decision.. amidst rumors of him cheating and actual females calling his house (i'd unfortunately answered the phone once and handed it to him, he then proceeded to talk to her as if i was not there..) and his adamant discouragement of my wanting to continue with college.. with the few women on his coattails, i walked away from a future so many had believed was ideal and so full of promise..

as if someone had hit him with a mallot and knocked some sense or awareness of what was happening, i was bombarded with roses, phone calls, late night serenades.. "a little too late.." was all i could say.. i had become the forbidden fruit, the epitomy of all he wanted, but couldn't have.. i had asked him once why he had chosen to spend time with the others when he was supposed to be spending time with me.. his answer was "you were always be there.. no matter what, i could count on you being there.. but i was wrong and now there's nothing i can do.." he had said that he knew what he had, but was too stupid and arrogant to realize it at the time.. i've had a few relationships since then and each one of them ended with the same thought "if i knew what i had when i had it, i would have held on with everything i had to keep you from slipping away.."

i sit here wondering what all that means.. i've remained friends with each of the families of the respective guys, but don't talk to the guy, with the exception of one.. the family's still love me, still think of me as one of theirs, always wishing me well, continuously wishing things would have turned out differently.. not a day goes by that i don't wonder if this was this all part of some plan, like fate or destiny, that has put me into these relationships only to pull me out of them and toss me onto unknown path, quietly leading me away from something that was already destined to go bad like sour milk.. but, what is my path..? to be a good person..? i hope i am.. to be a good mom..? i think i am.. to be the person behind the glass that no one can touch and only look at..? it seems like it..

i sometimes felt like the toy at the store that people pick up and think about purchasing, but change their mind somewhere on their way to the cashier, only to leave me in some random aisle, lost and away from what i had come to know as comfort and familiarity.. but, for reasons i can't yet explain without sounding completely daft, i somehow find myself happy these relationships ended.. although i don't have the guy, i was given much more in return.. i have great friends because of them.. friendships that have helped me, soothed me, empowered me, made me grateful i was given such a gift that even their now long-gone presence cannot take away..

i now know that the saying "you don't know what you have until it's gone.." isn't necessarily an edict of misfortune or one of those pessimistic observations told for eons, it's one of those things that i have come to chalk up as a blessing in disguise.. the intial pain of loss was there, but once all has settled and all the chips have fallen, i was left with so much more than if they had actually stayed..

the three old hags

well, time is gonna be an enemy of mine for sometime and has been.. this particular time, it's in the case of attempting to keep my words written down in a timely fashion.. see, time again..!

we’ve all heard the sayings regarding time.. time is irrelevant; time is relevant; time heals all wounds; time is precious; time flies when you are having fun and slows when you worry; your time is up!.. and so on.. but, what does it all really mean..? is time a state of mind..? i am beginning to really believe that there is actual truth in that comment.. sure, we can have clocks, multitudes of clocks, to pinpoint a moment in time but what does it all really mean..? clocks are another way for us to compartmentalize and document our lives, to keep track of all the nuances of our lives, to justify why simply exist..

utilize the time you have.. live your life to the fullest.. do not dwell on the ‘could have’s’ because time will not let you get them back.. these sayings are meant to inspire us, to keep us going, to make sure we don’t curl up in the fetal position and begin to just let time go by..

i was in a discussion with someone this morning, somewhat related to time, but it centered around control and my own personal tight rein on it.. growing up, i wasn’t truly given ‘time’ to myself, i was busy being molded by my parents and left under the scrutinizing eyes of my brothers when my parents weren’t there.. time, at that point, wasn’t mine.. my time was controlled, nearly every moment.. when to study, when to eat, when to socialize, when to simply just relax..

as an adult, i control my own environment.. when i eat, when i sleep (although at the present moment, insomnia seems to be in control in that department, but i will overcome that one with sheer determination to not allow something to dictate to me), when to work or play.. sometimes, i’m almost fanatical about it.. i am somewhat of a perfectionist and because of it, yes, a perfectionist to the degree that i can be downright anal about it.. but, my thought is that if you are going to waste time doing something wrong, why waste it..? do it right and it’s time well spent..

i read a line today from the movie “The Matrix” and it read “do you believe in fate? no, i do not because i don’t like the fact i’m not in control of my life..” this rang true with me, probably because of my strict upbringing, but it also made me think of time as a state of mind.. possibly fate..? what is that? in simple terms, it means a course in time with a predestined outcome.. my time has already been accounted for and i am basically just walking towards the inevitable..?

my cocoon of the idea of safe control of my own time has just been unraveled and the idea of fate has left me with no control at all..? my thoughts are now of "the three fates"; the three goddesses in greek mythology of fate and destiny, known as the moirae.. the three old hags who weave time and destiny to control your life.. is my life really a ball of yarn in the hands of clotho: the holder of the thread of life, lachesis: the holder of the length the thread of life and atropos: the one who can end it with the snip of a pair of scissors..?

how can this be..? your time is not your own..? sound familiar.. your time belongs to other people as well as yourself and vice versa..? it's what you do and what they do with that time that matters, that shapes your fate..? now, we're back to fate and it being preempted for your viewing pleasure or displeasure.. vicious circle.. ooh, that's another subject..

hmm.. maybe my thoughts on time and control have snowballed into something to above and beyond, but maybe, just maybe, somewhere in the inner workings of my mind, i may have touched upon something to give one a thought to ponder.. is it time to control your own destiny or leave it up to three old hags and a ball of yarn..?

spin me round and round..

do you ever have those days when you feel as if you are on auto-pilot..? as if you are not completely in control, but you know you are..? well, today is one of those days for me.. i know i've been awake, i know i've been at work, but it's been one big blur, the kind of blur you get when you are being spun around before pinning the tail on the donkey as a kid.. repetitive motion is what seems to be saving me at this point.. sometimes the responsibilities of everyday life seem overwhelming, as if there is no end in sight and you want to crawl back into bed, hide underneath the covers just wishing it is all a dream..

i saw a man today, sleeping on the lawn at work.. sound asleep at 6:00pm when i left after a full day of working with things most will never see nor pay attention to if they did.. a backpack was used as a pillow underneath his moppy, blonde, semi-dreadlocked/semi-curly hair.. a dark brown, mechanic-style covered a dirty-looking, moss-green t-shirt and he wore a pair of khaki shorts along with a pair of sockless feet in a pair of dingy, once navy blue shoes.. but, despite his obvious status a homeless man, a hobo, a vagrant, he looked so peaceful..

all this makes me wonder what my life has in store for me.. will i always be so overwhelmed..? will i ever be at peace while alive..? the only peace i have at this moment is watching my child sleep.. knowing that all my responsibilites, one entails making sure she is safe, happy and well-cared for and my peace is solidified by watching her angelic face in a deep slumber.. only if i could sleep that well, but my mind never rests long enough..

degrees of deceit

well, hmmm... what do i write about tonight..?? a common subject, one that i have been mulling over for some time.. yes, i do overanalyze, most of the time.. okay, okay, all the time..

i know some people say, "so, they lied, ahh, don't let it bother you, just roll with it.." or, "it's no big deal, it's not your problem.." it's true, things shouldn't get to the point where they 'bother' me or to where "it's 'not my problem".. but, what really puzzles me, is why people lie in the first place..??

from an early age, your parents teach you "don't lie, lying is not good, lying is one of the worst things you can do and it gets you in a heap of trouble.." who hasn't heard of those sayings before..? only if we listened to our parents from early on, but back then, we knew everything and 'what do they know, they're old'..?

lies are the things you know you tell in order to keep your world intact.. lies are the things that keep you in the best possible light to people whom you want to admire, respect or worship you.. but what happens when all of that comes crashing down and you are revealed as a *gasp* 'fraud'..?

most likely, depending on how good your lies were from the get-go, nothing.. sure, for a while, you will look like a jerk or a bitch to some, but after all the smoke, dust, flying shoes and insults or flames finally die down, do you change your ways..? do you repent and see the light and error of your ways..? in all honesty, probably not.. you go further 'underground' and make sure you cover your path with a few more leaves and branches.. you might sit around kicking yourself for not thinking you could have been smarter about the whole thing, but there are, in those rare cases when, like being beaned in the head with a blunt object, probably the flying shoe, does the person realize what a complete and total moron they have been, then and only then, will they realize what they have done not to one person, but to everyone around them who has been an unwitting part of the lie they created.. do they suck it up and admit their error..? the correct answer would be a firm yes.. but..

as the old saying goes, "life goes on".. sure, you can sit around and stew on what the person has said, what they have done, but do you really honestly think they are doing the same..? once again, probably not.. they probably sleep soundly at night while you toss and turn wondering what they've done and what they are going to do to rectify the situation.. they probably, with all likelihood, are rethinking their game plan and fine tuning their ability to spin tales so the next time it's not so bad or they can carry on with the lie a little longer than last time..

in one of my favorite movies, 'The Count of Monte Cristo'.. one of the characters said to his son, "treason is a matter of dates".. i was just thinking in the back of one's mind is a timeframe.. what if you had actually paid more attention to the timeframe, would it have made the lies easier..? would it have cushioned the blow you felt when the lie was discovered..?

i was once told there are varying degrees to the whole mess of deceit.. three degrees to round it out and to put it into a nice 'box': white lies, brown lies and black lies.. first, the white lie: they are the ones you can tell but won't get into trouble for telling and, by virtue, are harmless.. these supposedly can be used to get yourself out of a tight spot or trouble as necessary.. second, the brown lies: they are the 'iffy' ones.. they may or may not get you into trouble, depending on how you deal them out; these allow you to be sneaky or creative and it's all on how you present them, but, be prepared for backlash.. and lastly, the black lies (dum dum dummm..): well, for all intents and purposes, they speak for themselves and pretty much don't need any explanation.. except once these are revealed, you might want to pack up and take that trip to nepal until the radiation dies down..

all of us are guilty of using the three degrees throughout our daily lives.. we're human, it's in our nature.. but, it's all a matter of how or even why you use them.. too much and it's bad.. too little and you're either not altogether human and should be beatified as a saint or you are guilty of lying to make yourself look good.. either way, in the land of categorizing everything under the sun and beyond, how would you categorize your world, your own universe..? white, brown or black..? think of the lies and plan accordingly..