the enigma..

to me, it is a puzzling word all in itself.. no surprise the word itself means 'riddle'.. to quote an entry from the website, dictionary.com (my favorite dictionary/thesaurus website, by the way), the origin & (very) short history of the word enigma is as follows: "mid-15c., from L. aenigma "riddle," from Gk. ainigma, from ainissesthai "speak obscurely, speak in riddles," from ainos "fable, riddle," of unknown origin.

synonyms of this word include bewilderment, conundrum, parable.. i am sure you are wondering where i am going with this... but, in time, the enigma of which i speak, will reveal itself in due time.. in the way i think, i usually analyze my thoughts before they come out, which usually leads to most people not understanding a word i am saying or think that i should be committed to a modern-day version of bedlam..

so, here is an attempt at trying to explain what i am talking about.. as i get older, i've run across people from my past that have offered some of the most impressive, humbling compliments to me about me.. i wonder what i had done to them in the short time our paths crossed to be thought of in such an inspiring, thoughtful light.. i have done nothing extraordinary, nothing i would consider inspiring.. i listen, i offer encouraging words, lend a hand when needed..  yet, when i think of myself, i am often moody, often unapproachable, live within my own self-imposed fortress trying, sometimes in complete vain, to avoid all contact with other humans..

two different people residing in the same corporeal body..?  is that possible..?  i thought that was how a schizophrenic may be described (no offense to people who are afflicted with this horrible condition and may science one day conquer it so they may have a chance at a normal life).. have i become an enigma..?  a person that is puzzling, a paradox and a riddle and an otherwise inscrutable, mysterious person.?  why would someone be inspired by a riddle..?

as i write this, my mind is already analyzing the sematics involved in what a riddle is.. after thinking about it, i have come to a conclusion that a riddle is words, that when put together in some interesting, convoluted fashion, makes no sense yet actually has a meaning which, under further analysis, sheds light on something that once held no meaning and thus rendering it thought-provoking..

am i person that projects an image i want people to see as opposed to the one that lurks beneath the surface..?  am i a fraud, a facade, a pretender..?  i have no idea which.. i have days when i cannot decide whether i want tea, hot chocolate or a peanut butter-n-jelly sandwich and yet i am told i inspire.. could it be that i am uncomfortable accepting a compliment..?  but how can one accept a compliment of such a magnitude without becoming an arrogant, conceitied sort..?

so, i sit here on a beautiful day, wondering what i have done and wondering why i should be worthy of such a thing..  perhaps that is another riddle in many riddles i will come across and attempt to decipher during my lifetime, whether it is a short one or a long one (the women in my family have a tendency to life really long lives so i many have many, many years left to ponder this *ha* conundrum)..