men falling from trees

okay, so today i must be on a roll.. after my ramblings of a dead, past relationship, i've decided to toss around the idea of a 'man tree', this idea coming from a day of watching movies with my sister-in-law in which the movies had several hot men.. rob pattinson, ivan sergei, christian bale to name a few.. and we wondered what tree we needed to stand next to or under in order for men like them to fall out of.. kinda like isaac newton being hit on the head with an apple (yes, there is much debate if this actually happened, but in the case of gravity proving its point, i'm sure most will let this debate fall to the wayside)..

my sister-in-law said she was standing under the right tree at the right time because my brother fell into her life (well, walked into the garage at his house where she and one of her friends happened to be playing pool with his roommates-bro's house was the hang-out for their group of friends).. i told her i have had no such luck, i have been standing under the wrong tree because i keep ending up with rotten fruit.. she laughed and then the both of us began to wonder where the trees were that the men in the movies fall from and if they exist in real life..

where is the tree with rob pattinson..? keanu reeves..? robert downey, jr..? and let us not forget the men like ivan sergei with his deep dimples, christian bale with his rough, swarthy voice and hugh jackman with, well, everything..? sure these men are what most of us women would call ideal, but it's their job to be as such.. they are actors.. they play a part and, more than likely, are nothing like who they really are behind the camera and photos.. but, it would be great to be under the tree when one of them fell out..

i may be a bit biased, but i do admit, my sister-in-law did find a good one (despite his habitual moodines, for which i am guilty of as well - to be blamed on genetics a learned trait from living in such close quarters for the first 18 years of our lives).. but, i sat there in silence, pondering this question of when is that guy going to fall out of the tree and land on me like the apple did on isaac newton..? maybe i'm in the wrong orchard or grove of trees (the bay area is quite populated, but the availability might be a bit lacking, hardly a bumper crop)..

being a single woman seems to bring out people's advice on how to find that 'tree'.. the church tree, the library tree, the grocery store tree.. all supposedly a great place to meet a good guy.. the bar/disco/nightclub tree is strictly forbidden.. even more so than the tree of knowledge in the garden of eden.. this is one tree you do not stand under or pick at the fruit.. this is considered a highly poisonous tree and should be completely avoided at all costs.. before you even think about the temptation, back away slowly and trust me on this one..

in an orchard of more than its fair share of trees which harvests nearly 3 million residents (not sure what the male population percentage is and don't have a clue what the single/unattached male ratio is compared to its female counterpart), i've managed to pick up 6 bad pieces of fruit.. i've heard that you've got to go through several rotten apples til you find the right one, but come on.. i think it's getting a bit out of control and downright old, not to mention just plain mean..

but, in my frame of a newly enlightened mind, i can take my time looking for the perfect apple to fall out of the 'man tree'.. who knows, maybe i might find a rob pattinson, a keanu reeves, a joaquin phoenix *sigh* or, if i were extremely lucky, the real mc coy of one of the previously mentioned guys..?? now, that i've woken up from one of my vividly colored dreams in a fit of laughter, i know there has to be a 'man tree' with my name on it out there.. i just have to keep my eyes open.. it may take a while, but i'm sure one day, i'll find it..

it's been a while..

okay, so.. i haven't written a blog in nearly a month.. lots of ramblings, grumblings and what not going on since then in addition to a lot of self-discoveries.. i had an epiphany of sorts.. i was out with a friend of mine over the weekend and for the first time in a long time, i felt free.. it's hard to explain, but i truly felt i had not a care in the world other than just to enjoy myself that evening.. my heart felt light, my mind felt clear and i felt truly at peace..

as a side note and to add to the excitement of the evening, which was a bit lacking.. not due to anything on my or my friends' part, just not a 'jumping' scene in capitola.. we found ourselves sort of in the middle of the age groups.. it was either new 21rs or post 50's.. we were feeling like we stuck out like sore thumbs, so we left.. taking a drive through the hopping, happening city of capitola, only to be pulled over by capitola's 'finest(?)'.. no offense, officer duggan. i apparently didn't stop long enough at a stop sign and was driving a bit too close to the white line next to the bike lane.. after being asked to follow his finger as he moved it from left to right in front of my face with a flashlight focused on me (i had told him i didn't and don't consume any alcohol and cheerfully told him i was coming from 'margaritaville' when asked where i had been), he nicely cautioned me to pay better attention to stop signs then sent me off on my way..

but the conversation that was in full-swing prior to being stopped was one of such private thoughts of my own that i was surprised i voiced them.. surprisingly, when i did, i felt as if someone turned off the cloud machine (those of you who have watched 'igor' might recognize this) and there was nothing that could stop my smile from emerging as if it had been in a vegetative state for years.. letting so many repressed memories and deeply hidden thoughts/fears out was such a weight off of my chest, shoulders, mind (whichever body part you can relate this to).. i can never thank my friend enough for just listening to me vent and talk that night and she did so without one ounce of censure or disapproval.. she just listened..

for years, i've always thought if i just did this right, he would like me.. if i said this, he would realize what a good person i am.. if i acted this way, he might chose me.. if i did all the things he liked, he would want to be with me.. i've known what crap this was for a while, but the fear of being insignificant and unwanted buried this so far into my psyche's dark side, i was beginning to believe if i were all the things he wanted, i would be 'the one'.. but what happened to me..? what happened to my own identity..?

i was basically thrown under the provervial bus by him.. not once did he say with any truthfulness that he wanted to be with me, that i was the one he wanted, that he would take me as i am, flawed or flawless, i was the 'one' for him and that i was his equal in every way.. sure he did say these things (every one of them) but in hindsight, it was almost as if they were flashcards, pulled out in situations to get him out of as quickly and as unscathed as possible smelling like a freshly bloomed rose and i would still look at him as the ideal man he believed himself to be..

all the conversations we had, all the times we shared, all the time spent together talking about the future, which was in his mind a generalization when in my mind it was solid, was nothing.. i had allowed myself to become insignificant.. i had allowed myself to become the 'stand-in' girl until someone better came along, the someone he wanted.. it was a crushing moment when it all hit me, but at the same time, it was a relief.. a relief only i can feel and that i can never really describe without losing some of the emotion in translation..

for years, i allowed myself to be fooled into believing that this guy would one day flip a switch and say i'm ready to be with you, you are truly what i want, i want to spend every last day i have in my lifetime with you.. but, in the end, even with him still telling me to give him some time to work out his 'demons', to be patient with him, my switch flipped and i realized he was nothing.. he was as insignificant to me as i was to him..

hearing myself talk about him as if someone else were speaking the words were a horror to me.. i realized in that conversation that i was the woman i hated hearing about because i felt she was weak, the woman who let stuff like this happen to them out of fear of being alone and unwanted.. i was the woman who let a man use her like a door mat, use her like she was insignificant, use her as if she were really nothing other than a fill in, like spackle in a crack on the wall.. somewhere in all of my desperate need to be wanted, i lost control of my identity and chose to 'satellite' around this man whom i had looked up to as if he were better than me, that i was to be grateful he wanted me around..

those very thoughts and ramblings that night sent every conception of him being a good person, a decent person and a man who was supposed to be worthy of me (and not the other way around) crumbling to a pile of ash and rubble, crashed down to earth like a ball of flames.. i am worth so much more than this man could ever imagine.. not speaking out of spite or of anger, i will truly never wish him a good life or prosperity, he doesn't deserve such tokens of good-will , i don't believe i can ever offer such high regards to him.. it would be completely unwarranted and it would go against everything i believe in..

i, on the other hand, wish myself the world, hell, i wish myself the universe.. i know i am not entitled to anything, but my life is what i make of it and it's going to be okay without him in it (i honestly thought at one point in time, i couldn't go on without his presence).. i will, in time, find a soul who is worthy of me and who can say, in all honesty, i am perfect the way i am.. but, if my path in my life is meant to be walked alone, i will do it without fear of being lonely, i will do it because it's what makes me happy.. in my moment of enlightenment, my moment of bright-light realization that night, on the drive through capitola, i know with all certainty, i absolutely love who i am..

dead fish

on thursday, my daughter's pediatrician was still the topic of the day.. two friends agreed that he was mostl likely flirting or trying to make some kinda move on me.. but as oblivious to most moves of this sort, I had said that you would probably have to hit me in the back of the head with a dead fish for me to really pay attention to such attentions bestowed upon me by a member of the opposite sex.. then, one friend wondered if such behavior was related to true oblivion or a sense of low self-esteem, in that i may feel i am not privvy to such attentions..

this thought had me pondering such a scenario.. for the most part, i do think it's all part of my oblivious nature, walking through life with blinders when it comes to flirting men, but i do believe the idea of low self-esteem to have its merit.. not to toot my horn, but (well, beep-beep.. i just had to do it..) being told i'm smart is nail #1 in the coffin not to mention being pretty, nail #2 in the coffin.. so, i sat back and thought for a while then stepped back to took a look at a lot of friends and observed their relationships and mine as well..

smart friends.. the guys they tended to enter into a relationship with are either so driven that they are borderline freakishly controlling or just downright asses.. they also tended to be so boring that you would enjoy watching paint dry rather than have to talk with them.. is this the path for a smart woman..? hmm.. let us go on..

pretty friends.. the guys they tended to enter a relationship were controlling to the point that the men would pick out their clothes they wore, sat at the salon with them to make sure their hair or nails (mani & pedi) were done to his specs.. they tended to be big, muscle heads that when brains were being passed out they figured they could use the space for more brawn and took that route.. or the guy was such a jerk and she actually felt fortunate to have found someone..

now, the pretty and smart friends.. this combo alone is not so bad if you can get passed the variety of weeds you encounter, but sadly, it is somewhat lethal.. not in an actual real sense, but more of a sense of you are alone more than the others and that it is when the lethal factor comes into play on your social life..

it's as if most men look for a way to feel superior, whether its with his own smarts or his own looks (including accessories, ie: the car or checkbook), but to have a woman with both, intimidation sets in and tends to set in fast.. most men won't approach a woman with both.. and if the woman has more of an earning power than the approaching member of the opposite sex, it tends to be another nail in the coffin, not necessarily the final one, but it's close..

to kind of sum up what i've said, it might be a bit of oblivion with a sprinkling of low self-esteem which tends to work for me not to take notice when a man is flirting or attempting his mojo moves on me.. i'm not saying i'm this smart, pretty, high earning woman, but there is something going on..

after a while, i've come to feel more comfortable in my oblivion.. is it a part of being one of the many people of the low self-esteem persuasion..? probably and if it is, then i am officially signed up and am receiving my weekly newsletter along with the commemorative hat or lapel pin..

x-ray vision

i had a conversation with a friend of mine the just yesterday.. as usual when women get together, it leaned toward the topic of men.. no, not the typical men-bashing sessions so many men claim us women do when we get together, but it was more of a wonderous insight into men's apparent ability of x-ray vision..

i know, this sounds kind of wierd and no, it's not about those x-ray specs from when you were a child with a hole in the middle of a paper 'lens' with a tiny feather in between to mimic the human skeleton, it's more along the lines of a man's ability to see past our armor and see us..

it all started when i had mentioned i took my daughter to see her pediatrician and said i thought he was flirting with me during the visit.. he's very nice man, mild-mannered, soft-spoken and faintly handsome.. faintly meaning i'm not supposed to think my daughter's pediatrician is hot, but in all honesty, he's a nice-looking man..

so, here's the scoop.. we waited a few minutes in the waiting room at his office and then was led to one of the exam rooms.. just as my daughter was reaching for a book, he walks in, says hello to my daughter and then to me.. looking over my daughter's chart, he mentions he has no idea why she is there to see him since the woman who scheduled the appointment didn't put down a reason for the visit.. i explained why i brought her in and then he asks if we had taken a test yet.. i said no, we just walked in a few seconds before him.. as he's telling me what we need to do for the test, i noticed he was smiling and joking with me (mind you, this is not the usual doctor i'm used to seeing when i take my daughter to see him-he is the epitomy of professionalism)..

in the process of the light jokes and numerous smiles, i noticed he shaved his moustache and he was now clean-shaven, which casts him into a whole new light.. thinking it was improper to say anything, i chose not to comment i noticed it.. he continued the light chatter as my daughter and i made our way to the restroom.. after emerging from the restroom a few minutes later, i see him talking to one of his nurses in the characteristic straight face, no-nonsense banter i am accustomed to.. when the nurse tells him we are behind him, he turns around and has a large smile on his face and walked with us back to the exam room.. we then left a few mintues but had to return with our 'specimen' for them to test.. when he was told we were in the waiting room, he opened the door and motioned for us to come in the back, almost like a teenager sneaking his/her gf/bf into the house after curfew.. he was all smiles and chatty, so much that i noticed the women at the front desk looking at us.. we left a few minutes later and i felt like a teenager myself for a while, which i do admit was kinda cool..

when i related the story to my friend, she laughed and said he was flirting and seemed to be testing out some of his flirting skills on me.. i blew it off and said no way, i looked like i was ready to curl up on the sofa with a good book, hardly looking as if i were going to be flirted with, let alone, garner the attention of my daughter's pediatrician.. i was wearing my beloved Stanford sweatshirt, a pair of black capris, a pair of red Ed Hardy shoes (complete with skulls, crossbones and roses) and my hair held up in a loose chignon with a pencil..

she told me a man will flirt with someone he finds interesting, regardless of her attire or her 'armor'.. i said i wear both daily, which she laughed and scoffed at, at the same time.. she said men have sort of a built in 'x-ray vision' and they cast aside our attire and armor to see what they want or can see in us.. i thought there might be some truth to her insight, but the cynical female i am, i am not so sure as of yet.. considering i've had my fair share of perverts and dirty old men look beyond my clothes and make lewd, horrifying comments when they thought they were being flirty or whatever the drool is called (let us try to forget the leg-licking comment..)

but, even if my daughter's pediatrician were flirting with me or was just being nice to me because he was having a good day, his uncharacteristic behavior was just the thing i needed to make my day.. it was nice to have an attractive man just simply flirt and smile at me and to know that it was completely harmless.. oh, by the way, during all the whatever that was going on, i did notice he has a beautiful pair of dark, chocolate brown eyes behind his glasses.. :)