pair of jeans

all of us, at one time or another, has had someone in their life that they feel they want to be with forever.. yes, even my snarky side has wished this for myself.. but, when the dust settles from the thorough stomping of your heart, you still hang onto that hope the person will see you as other than a mere friend..

what do you do when you have been banished to the 'friend zone'..? i have a friend that is in this purgatory on earth zone and feels almost helpless.. it's an awful place to be and yes, i've been relagated to this no-man's land before but have finally learned to move beyond it.. sure there are moments when i feel i am getting close to breaking the silence i've been forced to endure and confessing all my feelings for this person, but i quickly take a deep breath, sinking quietly back to my life in my own purgatory.. in some strange way, purgatory feels safer..

how do we release ourselves from this zone..? do we ever..? i just wonder if the person is truly aware of what goes on in another's heart when it comes to them.. i have to think they do.. yet, one reason i think they do not act upon it or open that 'can of worms' is because they do not want to be held or feel responsible for the pain of another person, a guilt they are not strong enough to handle.. i am convinced this person knows they cannot make you happy, you deserve much more that what they have and when you realize it, you are free of that banishment of the 'friend zone' and purgatory..

in my cynical view on the matters of the heart and in life, i still feel there is one person that fits each one of us like that perfect pair of worn-in jeans.. in our world of billions, we search for that one person who doesn't relegate you to the dreaded 'friend zone'.. you have to wear that pair of jeans for years, you have to put them on, take them off, toss them in the washer, sleep in them and all of this to find the perfect fit..

despite the billions of people in our world, we become so engrossed with the phenomenon of tunnel-vision that we become almost obsessed with proving to that one person we are perfect for them, that we don't belong in the 'friend zone' and that are the one who can make their world spin.. in my experience with such a occurance, you lose sight of who you are, you start to question your being, your existence and convince yourself you are doing something wrong.. your whole waking and sometimes sleeping life is about this one person and why they can't see what a great person you are..

there comes a day when that moment of crystal clear clarity finally makes its way to the surface of your own private space in purgatory and it all boiled down to one simple statement: what you are doing wrong is trying to convince the wrong person you are the right pair of jeans..

pink slippers

sunday was in interesting day.. for the most part it was relatively quiet and boring.. then, at 8:00pm, i was at the airport picking up a friend.. the airport has been remodeled/revamped/redone once again and yes, it was several loops around the track before i finally figured out how to get into the parking garage.. but, that is another story in itself..

so, i'm standing down by baggage claim, waiting for him and trying to focus on my magazine article about disasters of 2010; the headliner was the gulf oil spill.. but as i'm standing there, people walk around me, pass me, almost thru me as if i am not there.. it feels kinda wierd but kinda cool at the same time..

as my focus changes to the people around me and not on the words of the article i was reading, i see so many different faces, eye colors, styles of dress and people hugging or talking into cell phones looking for others.. the chime on my cell phone brings me back to reality when i glance at the words, "just landed, see you in a few".. i look around at the people by the baggage claim conveyor belt and the escalator with its glass siding .. a huge group of people start the descent to the waiting friends and family as the waves, smiles and loud voices of those of us at the bottom begin.. after five minutes, i still have no one to wave to and smile..

a second text a couple of minutes later, "what are you wearing?" displays on the screen.. i look down at my feet and reply, "i'm the only one here wearing pink slippers, hard to miss.." moments later, a voice says, "cute slippers, where do i get a pair? " i turn around and there is my friend, his green eyes looking like polished silver in the lighting, smiling mischievously, "pink slippers or not, you are hard to miss.." after hugging him and his scratchy backpack, we join the throngs of nameless, faceless people mulling out of the airport terminal and into waiting cars and taxis..

yes, sunday was definitely an interesting day..

recurring dream of olivier

i often dream of one person.. he's always on the edges of my subconscious.. always in dark colors, always saving someone, saving me.. for the past few nights when i've managed to get a few hours of sleep, he visits me.. always holding my hand or extending his hand to me, always telling me it will all be okay, not to worry.. although i did have one dream where i was in his house, which i've actually never been, and he was pulling me forward to meet his friend who had come in, the feel of warmth and safety was there..

as the owner of an analytical mind, i decided to find out what the purpose, if any, a recurring dream has, if it means something and why it relates to me.. so, i called my mom, my cousin and a friend who all have an interest in dream symbology and dreams in general.. the consensus of the three women is that it all relates to some unfinished business with this person or some underlying fear or conflict as well as a possible conflict or unresolved issue i have in my awake life..

as i ponder this information, i start to put two-n-two together and realize he usually comes to me in my dreams when i'm worried, alone, scared, nervous and for a brief moment in my life, i allow someone to take my hand and reassure me that all will be well.. i am safe while i dream and i am cushioned in this warm, comforting nest he offers..

i don't take the dreams i have of him in a literal sense because in the real world, i told him i did not wish to think of him because he is like a ghost to me.. i hang onto the hope that i will one day see him and told him that i know it will most likely never occur.. i wished him well and hoped that he will stay safe.. i miss him.. i probably always will..

however, if for a moment in my life, despite it being in my sleeping life, i feel safe when i see him, i will take that..

voodoo queen

driving into work this morning seemed like it took forever..! almost as if i were driving to los angeles from new york.. the road seemed to stretch out for miles and miles.. and miles..! but, on this rare, pseudo-long drive, i actually took in the scenery as i zipped down the road.. huge, ornate houses that looked like the carriage houses on english estates.. rich colors of the formerly dry grass now emerging as emerald green.. the velvety, sable colored trunks and branches of oak trees.. the changing colors of various shaped leaves on the many species of trees.. driving through puddles and watching the water drops splash up on the windshield.. it was a fun drive once i got passed at the 1-min = 30 min science fiction time frame..

the music on the radio, well a cd i had made from the loads of music i have in my iTunes library at home, played loudly.. it is funny how music can invoke different moods and create such thoughts in your head.. one of the songs, 'marie laveaux' by lucia (i'm at a loss for her last name) and the flying neutrinos, is about a 19th century voodoo queen in new orleans and a con-man named 'handsome jack' who wants a spell from her to make him a million dollars and his payment is to marry her.. at one point on my morning travels, i actually picture a scene from that song playing out in the open woodsy-type area along the road.. he decides, after the spell has given him his money, that she is just too ugly for a handsome man like him.. she screams and poof, he's toast..! the rain and the dark, overcast sky helped add to the vividness of the images that played out in my mind..

a few minutes later, i had to shut down the movie screen in my head.. i pulled into the parking lot at work.. time to go back to the real world.. hmm.. there's always tomorrow..!

watching a lonely soul..

have you ever wondered what became of people who were once in your life, even if for a brief moment, like a blip on the screen of life, then they are no longer there..? sheer curiosity has always kept them not necessarily in the forefront of your mind, but always lingering on the fringes.. what happened to that once young life over a period of a quarter of a century..? college..? marriage..? death..? nothing..?

`

at the age of 16, i met someone who, for the next 25 years, would leave me wondering what became of him.. i remember him being a good student in high school, athletic in school as well as outside of it.. he was the elder of two boys adopted by a couple, who for whatever reason, did not have children of their own.. this guy was the first person i ever had a crush on..

`

then, one day, it all stopped.. i no longer heard the sound of his voice.. i no longer saw his smile.. no longer inhaled the scent of tide laundry soap when i hugged him..

`

now, in present day, nearly twenty-five years later, by sheer accident or some strange cosmic force, i heard his voice once again.. it was not familiar, but i knew it was the same person.. during this quarter century hiatus, i finished high school, graduated with honors and a partial scholarship, put myself through college while working, lost my father to a heart attack, had a child and made a life that was safe for both her and myself..

`

what i learned, he graduated from high school, lost his father a couple of years after graduation, joined the military, got married, had children, lived all over the world on various military bases, but came home a very changed man..

`

the demons this man was fighting within himself that he had accumulated throughout the years from various places and times in his life, the one that had the strongest hold on him was much more dangerous than most can imagine.. it is so readily available.. at any market, most gas stations, convenience stores and resided in most friend's refrigerators or chair-side cooler..

`

throughout much of this man's life, alcohol has been right there with him, like a cooing lover or the devil on his shoulder.. from a teenager with a 'driving under the influence' to the numbing news of the death of his father or the downward spiral of his marriage.. this particular demon had made sure it was with him every step of the way, making sure it was a constant companion when no one else would..

`

at the age of 42, i know this man is slowly dying, with each urging of the demon to swallow the liquid that has been like a lifeline to him.. yet, despite the obvious signs of his demon having a firm hold on this man's life, many turn a blind eye, a cold shoulder or simply turn their back to avoid seeing or making eye contact with one in this situation..

`

not many want to watch a person, whether it is a friend, family member or a complete stranger, slowly die by their own hand.. some say it's easy to quit, just to stop 'cold turkey'.. but, it rules the life of the one with the demon and those around them.. as it ruins lives, the demon lives on, visiting millions and gaining new playthings as the day goes on..

`

no amount of badgering, threats or physical force will conquer this demon with its deep-rooted hold.. words from a doctor telling of declining health will not drive the demon away.. the demon has made the world seem safe and comfortable as long as it is part of it.. to the person, it is hard to give up that sense of comfort and let go..

`

i look at myself while i watch this person.. i realize, after my own internal struggles i face daily, i cannot fight this person's battle or fight the demon who has such a hold on him.. i try not to think of being a failure as a friend to this guy, but it is what it is..

`

i care, but cannot show it.. i want to see if he is well, but i cannot ask.. i want to help, but i cannot do it for him.. it is his demon and if the demon felt threatened, it would use whatever means it could to lash out at me.. it is a battle i cannot fight and i have learned i cannot fight the battle for everyone..

`

have you ever had one of those moments when you wish you had a bag of pixie dust to sprinkle over someone, to simply wish them to be free of whatever hurts them..? this is my wish, but it is not conceivable.. this guy is like a vortex, a black hole.. sucking all that is around him down with him and his demon is sitting on the edge with a grin.. with all my strength and patience, i cannot be this man's savior..

`

i recently took a drive one night when i found myself home alone.. an hour later, i found myself driving past his darkened house, only the sconces on either side of the garage door were lit.. i drove by slowly knowing i would not stop, but for a brief second, curiosity had me wondering what he was doing..

`

i pulled into a parking lot a few blocks away to go to a store when i saw him.. he looked empty and defeated as he took a drink of his favorite liquid in the tell-tale clear bottle.. a worn baseball hat, an oversized sweatshirt and baggy jeans hung on his thin, emaciated body.. he sat quietly on the corner of a raised planter box, leaning against a building column; barely visible in the darkness.. he was a nameless, faceless soul to all those around him, but me..

`

i felt as i observed him that had i made myself known, i would have been intruding.. i must have sat in that parking lot watching him for nearly an hour until he gathered his things and disappeared into the darkness.. as i started my car and drove away, i felt an odd sadness.. the shadows had taken refuge on his lonely soul..

reflections of the psyche

ever have someone just make your skin crawl..? give you the creeps..? the mere sight of them makes your blood boil..? well, i'm sure you get my path of thoughts on this one.. okay, there's a person i encounter once in a while, not often, but just enough that their presence makes famously polluted, thick London fog look like the fake Halloween smoke.. what causes such a reaction..? how do you train yourself to calm your nerves for fear that one second too long in this persons' presence will cause you to black out and pull a 'Jack the Ripper' on them..? well, maybe not that bad, but the age-old cliche of 'ripping someone's head off' comes chillingly to mind..

i'm not one to preach psychology nor am i one to pretend to be knowledgeable in the field of psychiatry and its vast libraries of the brain's infinite nuances.. i question my thoughts daily and have begun to dissect and catalog them in my own vast library.. rather than trying to figure out what makes another person do something, what makes me tick..?

i had once heard or read that the people who irk you the most is your own reflection of yourself in their eyes..? once thinking about this, do i put off that vibe that makes another person's skin crawl? do i give another person the creeps..? i certainly hope not.. is this a quirky, tim burton-ish twist on the Golden Rule - "Do unto other as you would have them do unto you"..?

with that said, is my standoffish, aloof, arrogant persona reflecting onto others and therefore the way i want to be treated..? maybe that's my 'front', but i've also been told i'm friendly, funny, loyal, strong, trustworthy, somewhat geeky person.. hmm, am i a modern day jeckyll and hyde..? that is surely something to think about.. but, as i sit here laughing imagining myself as the character "Two-Face" from the Batman comics, can a person such as this be real..?

mayby i am an anomoly..? am i a strange, unusual or unique occurance in the human race or, more specific, the female half of the race..? not sure if i would exactly go that far, but i am learning that i am a bit of an eccentric, bit of a dark, brooding soul all mixed up to create this entity of the universe that is uniquely me. it's actually kinda cool..

to dream a dream

well, it's been a while.. hopefully i am completely back from my forgetful hiatus.. i have been on a kick of trying to analyze the frequently action-packed and often bizarre 'movies' that play behind my closed eyelids while i sleep.. i know dreams are your subconscious trying to communicate with your conscious on a subconscious level.. but, can dreams actually be movie clips from lives past..? it kind of makes me wonder when i have such detailed dreams of buildings, places, smells and textures..

what does it mean to dream of ghosts..? to dream of crypts..? to dream of being held by someone you want to be held by so badly..? being able to hear drops of water or water splashing on the pylons of a pier.. the feel of your feet crammed into a pair of peep-toe pumps that goes rather well with your pencil skirt.. how do you shake the eerie feeling of a person's smile in your dreams that chills you to the core..?

Carl Jung believed that the images in your dreams are your own way of learning about yourself, your relationships with others and how you handle everyday life.. he believed that discussing your dreams can help you unlock the meanings.. he also believed that symbols that appear in dreams are universal in context in both the minds of men and women.. he termed this as the 'collective unconscious'.

these collective symbols are all part of what Jung termed "archtypes".. 'persona' is yourself in your dreams; whether you are an old lady or a ghost, you know this is you in your dreams.. 'shadow' is the the repressed/rejected aspects of yourself; this is what you don't want the world to know about you and is often related to weakness, anger and fear.. 'anima/animus' is the male/female aspect of yourself; all of us have masculine and feminine traits, they are there to help you recognize your strength and emotions.. 'divine child' is the most pure, innocent form of yourself; it helps you see your vulnerabilites and helplessness but it also helps you to see your full potential.. 'wise old man/woman' is the figure in your dreams that presents as an authority figure; they are there to offer guidance and wisdom as well as steer you on the right path.. 'great mother' is the nurturing figure in your dreams; he/she provides you with the necessary reassurances to continue on your path.. 'trickster' keeps you from taking yourself too seriously..

all of these archtypes exist in the unconscious realm of your dreams and materialize as needed in significant times or transistional periods of your life.. they often leave you stunned about realizing something about yourself and the sheer vividness/reality of the dreams remain long after you have awaken.. i often wondered why my dreams stayed with me for days and i am finally learning why.. they have helped me realize my fears of moving forward, my fears of letting the past be in the past and i know that the archtypes that appear nightly are there for a reason.. now when i dream, i learn, i grow and i heal..