perfection, vanity and numbness..

do you ever feel as if you are on the edge of something that feels like a change, but you do not know if it is good or bad..? what do you do..? how will you react..? are you elated..? or do you go numb..? there are a set of rules, standards that govern how one reacts to feelings.. they are the same, no matter what language you speak or what gender you are.. sad is sad.. happy is happy.. anger is anger.. what varies is the degree of those feelings..

in a perfect world, all is good.. the birds sing, the sun shines and you have this overwhelming sense of warmth enveloping your body, bathing your soul.. you hold your head higher, your stride is more confident and you cannot help smiling at the world about you.. there is no darkness, there is no sadness, there is nothing but happiness and laughter.. the flowers are always in bloom, the chocolate is divine and a tear shed is for pure joy.. does it sound odd..? well, in a perfect world, all is perfect..

in the not so perfect world, there is an imbalance of good and bad, mixed with the downright mean.. being told it is not fair is commonplace.. feelings are hurt by the minute, kindness is a rarity and goodness is virtually non-existent.. there is coldness, there is callousness, there is vanity and conceit.. so much to drag one down into a deep, dank pit from which many do not emerge.. all your life experiences are dirty secrets to be hidden away, only to surface in the dark of night so they may not be seen and hopefully not heard.. on the tip of your tongue are words poised to inflict pain and hurt.. your whole being is encased in armor, always on guard and ready to pour hot oil upon anyone who comes near the walls of your prison.. and an imminent death to those who manage to slip within.. does it ring true..? it is all in a day of the not so perfect world..

i often marvel at the innocence of a child.. so peaceful, so confident.. so happy.. their world is untouched by sarcasm, by arrogance, by narcissism.. they wake up every morning smiling and elated.. its a new day, ripe for the taking.. ready to conquer all..! confidence soars, laughter is endless and the simple act of bestowing a hug upon another makes the world perfect.. it is as close to absolute perfection as you will ever be..

but, child innocence is forced to see that a not so perfect world is the reality.. it is what keeps us pessimistic.. keeps us from accepting the good and innocent when it is right in front of us.. we thrive in its quixotic darkness, we revel in its shadowy ambiguity and we die a slow, pathetic death within the intoxicating 'beauty' of it all.. a perfect world is ultimate sarcasm at its finest.. embrace it..? reject it..? or mold it to make your journey as pleasant as possible in the treacherous waters of imperfection..?

i have yet to learn how to deal with the hurt.. my 'skin' is still of a child-like quality.. my fortress walls are high and formidable, but i still seek out the good only to be stung and forced to retreat to my thinly-veiled sanctuary to tend to my wounds.. all in good time i will learn to embrace the darkness, accept the coldness and adore the callousness of it all.. i am crushed and broken yet i wait patiently for eternal solitude of numbness..

and my day begins

i woke up this morning to the sound of my annoying alarm.. 6:05am.. opening my eyes, i saw the tree outside my bathroom window moving as if a group of monkeys were shaking it, but it was only the wind and i quickly realize my room is cold from leaving my two bedroom windows open as well as one of the bathroom windows.. ugh, i quickly cover myself with my down comforter, snuggling closer to my favorite pillow.. 5 minutes later, i am more wide awake than as if i had drank an entire pot of coffee.. lovely, it's now 6:10am.. well, no better time to get up than now.. i wander into the bathroom with its cold tile floor and catch a glimpse of myself.. "whoa, easy there, simba, you have some nice hair going on there..! " my reflection so eloquently points out.. even my reflection is part of my very own peanut gallery..

so, i turn on the shower and realize i have a guest.. a very small guest, about the size of a quarter, hanging out in the corner of the shower next to the open window.. how nice to start out the day with wind, cold air and a hairy spider.. don't i just have all the luck..?! after a few moments of a stare-down between me and that unwelcome spider, i decide to leave him/her alone and take a quick shower.. i purposely keep my eye on it; would suck if i had that spider jump into my hair and i break the glass on the shower doors as i scream trying to get out.. after 10 minutes pass, the spider lives to see another day and my shower doors remain intact..

i spend the next 15 minutes trying to wake up my child to no avail.. she is just knocked out and oblivious to all around her.. i wish i could sleep like that, but that's another story and i am sure medication would be involved.. not yet 7am, i already hear the chimes alerting me i have email messages waiting for me and then a text message at 7 on the dot.. don't people know those who work at home don't start working until after morning coffee and a lunch with friends..??

so, after i finally am able to rouse my sleeping child and get her dressed, we make our way out of the house, into the cool, windy morning to the car.. i am actually looking forward to going to the gym.. as we leave the driveway and head to the freeway a couple of miles away, she chats up a storm and soon we are both laughing; hardly the sound for a morning commute.. pointing out cars, counting trucks and not caring we are sitting in 5-mph traffic, completely surrounded by sour faces and impatient drivers..

after 25 minutes of driving from one side of the hill to the other and zipping along some city streets, we pull into the parking lot at the gym.. after signing in and getting her to the kid's club, i make my way to the treadmill.. what kind of day will this be..? let's see what a constant training session does.. after trying to run up an incline of 13.0 at 2.5-mph, i abandon that after 3 1/2 laps around the 'track' on the screen.. i reset the machine to 2.9-mph and begin to 'cool down', but something happens, i find myself increasing the speed to 3.8-mph then to 4.0-mph and i'm running.. how is this possible..?

about 30 minutes and 2-1/2 miles later, i didn't matter how it was possible.. so, how's that for a day that began with wind, cold tile and a hairy spider..?

improbability of the end

yesterday was supposed to be the end of the world.. but fortunately, we are all here.. we are still able to enjoy sunday mornings with our coffee and snuggled on the couch with our most precious person next to us. we still have our family, we still have life.

i was asked what would happen if the world ended. kinda silly to ask since no one knows.. it just stops, or does it..? what if life does stop..? does the universe cease to exist..? does the human race cease to exist..?

i thought about a bit yesterday.. the whole improbability of the end as was predicted.. amazing how the mind itself works.. many have beliefs that the world, as we know it, was created by some omnipotent 'being' residing on high in the heavens above us.. he has many names and many faces.. but, my thoughts boil down to one person who believes, according to his accurate, celestial calculations, all was going to stop, cease and shut down on this one particular day; even went so far as to say which hour..

alas, we are still here.. still breathing, still eating, still alive and well.. hmm, kinda makes you wonder what's in his water..? most of the time when i can't explain something in everyday life (namely someone's actions), i say it must be in their water.. in his case, i think his water is spiked with its fair share of eucharist wine or something a bit more (maybe something you see on the shelf behind the bar at the local cantina).. or.. he's dug up a few peyote cactus and.... nah, do religious relics such as this man really do things like that..??

but, what if all has ended and we don't know it or we are still in denial..? sounds bit like a plot from some bizarre sci-fi story turned motion picture.. how will the story line proceed..? how do we find out it is all just a farce..? even cooler, who would play you..? i don't think i would want to know the answer to that last question.. but, if there was someone to play me, wouldn't that mean we are still here..??

all of this talk of the world ending, all the mass-hysteria which is supposed to ensue and just not seeing your most precious person ever, why would someone wish to foretell such an ending to all mankind..? what kind of unbalanced individual does such a thing..? on the lighter side, doesn't he know he's not going to be famous..? who's gonna read the papers or watch the news with the blaring, bold headlines, "END OF THE WORLD PREDICTED BY.." as the old saying goes, "all things come to an end".. but, if we're not here, who cares..?

happiness is before you, not behind..

today, i woke up with my throat feeling it was on fire and no water in sight.. i glance at the clock with my fuzzied eyes and notice it says '4:16'.. tired from coughing most of the night, beat because i can't get comfortable and irritated because someone *cough*mydumbneighbor*cough* decides to clean his truck out at 1am.. this is genuinely one of those days when you wish you can have a 'do-over' and find yourself back at the time when you attempted to fall asleep the night before.. what a glorious time that would be.. falling asleep to the sound of mark harmon's voice on ncis.. *sigh*

well, to talk about a 'do-over'.. haven't you had one of those days in your life where you wish you could completely wipe it off the slate of your memory and replace it with one that is so much better..? i am sure you have, i know i have.. what can you actually do with a 'do-over'..? in reality, it's not as if you can change that memory you wish to have scrubbed from the bottom drawer cluttered with all the other things you wish to forget that reside in your mind..

take for instance a bad date.. yeah, for the next few days, you spend ditching the phone calls and take a hiatus from your personal e-mails.. but, over a cup of coffee or whatever suits your mood, you learn to laugh about it with your best friends and it becomes one of those laughing, giggling moments you don't want to forget.. now, those memories are worth saving.. after all, there is a form of laughter in almost every situation..

then what about those moments that you are filled with regret because you didn't step up or speak up.. do you spend the rest of your life pondering what all would have been like if you had done just that..? would the outcome actually have changed..? hmm, probably/probably not.. it's a 50/50 shot.. not very good odds considering it's your ego and heart on the line.. like me, i am sure most aren't in life hoping to have their heart stomped to dust and their ego deflated like a flat tire.. but what happens when you finally do speak up, step up or have a 'do-over'..? i have yet to find out what actually does happen..

i am trying to lead myself in the direction of moving forward.. 'happiness is before you, not behind! ' declared a slip of paper inside my virtual fortune cookie.. then i had to sit back and think.. it's true.. the reason why things are behind you is because they have already served their purpose and there is no reason to revisit.. don't live in the past, go forward into the future.. hmm, a novel thought..