voodoo queen

driving into work this morning seemed like it took forever..! almost as if i were driving to los angeles from new york.. the road seemed to stretch out for miles and miles.. and miles..! but, on this rare, pseudo-long drive, i actually took in the scenery as i zipped down the road.. huge, ornate houses that looked like the carriage houses on english estates.. rich colors of the formerly dry grass now emerging as emerald green.. the velvety, sable colored trunks and branches of oak trees.. the changing colors of various shaped leaves on the many species of trees.. driving through puddles and watching the water drops splash up on the windshield.. it was a fun drive once i got passed at the 1-min = 30 min science fiction time frame..

the music on the radio, well a cd i had made from the loads of music i have in my iTunes library at home, played loudly.. it is funny how music can invoke different moods and create such thoughts in your head.. one of the songs, 'marie laveaux' by lucia (i'm at a loss for her last name) and the flying neutrinos, is about a 19th century voodoo queen in new orleans and a con-man named 'handsome jack' who wants a spell from her to make him a million dollars and his payment is to marry her.. at one point on my morning travels, i actually picture a scene from that song playing out in the open woodsy-type area along the road.. he decides, after the spell has given him his money, that she is just too ugly for a handsome man like him.. she screams and poof, he's toast..! the rain and the dark, overcast sky helped add to the vividness of the images that played out in my mind..

a few minutes later, i had to shut down the movie screen in my head.. i pulled into the parking lot at work.. time to go back to the real world.. hmm.. there's always tomorrow..!

watching a lonely soul..

have you ever wondered what became of people who were once in your life, even if for a brief moment, like a blip on the screen of life, then they are no longer there..? sheer curiosity has always kept them not necessarily in the forefront of your mind, but always lingering on the fringes.. what happened to that once young life over a period of a quarter of a century..? college..? marriage..? death..? nothing..?

`

at the age of 16, i met someone who, for the next 25 years, would leave me wondering what became of him.. i remember him being a good student in high school, athletic in school as well as outside of it.. he was the elder of two boys adopted by a couple, who for whatever reason, did not have children of their own.. this guy was the first person i ever had a crush on..

`

then, one day, it all stopped.. i no longer heard the sound of his voice.. i no longer saw his smile.. no longer inhaled the scent of tide laundry soap when i hugged him..

`

now, in present day, nearly twenty-five years later, by sheer accident or some strange cosmic force, i heard his voice once again.. it was not familiar, but i knew it was the same person.. during this quarter century hiatus, i finished high school, graduated with honors and a partial scholarship, put myself through college while working, lost my father to a heart attack, had a child and made a life that was safe for both her and myself..

`

what i learned, he graduated from high school, lost his father a couple of years after graduation, joined the military, got married, had children, lived all over the world on various military bases, but came home a very changed man..

`

the demons this man was fighting within himself that he had accumulated throughout the years from various places and times in his life, the one that had the strongest hold on him was much more dangerous than most can imagine.. it is so readily available.. at any market, most gas stations, convenience stores and resided in most friend's refrigerators or chair-side cooler..

`

throughout much of this man's life, alcohol has been right there with him, like a cooing lover or the devil on his shoulder.. from a teenager with a 'driving under the influence' to the numbing news of the death of his father or the downward spiral of his marriage.. this particular demon had made sure it was with him every step of the way, making sure it was a constant companion when no one else would..

`

at the age of 42, i know this man is slowly dying, with each urging of the demon to swallow the liquid that has been like a lifeline to him.. yet, despite the obvious signs of his demon having a firm hold on this man's life, many turn a blind eye, a cold shoulder or simply turn their back to avoid seeing or making eye contact with one in this situation..

`

not many want to watch a person, whether it is a friend, family member or a complete stranger, slowly die by their own hand.. some say it's easy to quit, just to stop 'cold turkey'.. but, it rules the life of the one with the demon and those around them.. as it ruins lives, the demon lives on, visiting millions and gaining new playthings as the day goes on..

`

no amount of badgering, threats or physical force will conquer this demon with its deep-rooted hold.. words from a doctor telling of declining health will not drive the demon away.. the demon has made the world seem safe and comfortable as long as it is part of it.. to the person, it is hard to give up that sense of comfort and let go..

`

i look at myself while i watch this person.. i realize, after my own internal struggles i face daily, i cannot fight this person's battle or fight the demon who has such a hold on him.. i try not to think of being a failure as a friend to this guy, but it is what it is..

`

i care, but cannot show it.. i want to see if he is well, but i cannot ask.. i want to help, but i cannot do it for him.. it is his demon and if the demon felt threatened, it would use whatever means it could to lash out at me.. it is a battle i cannot fight and i have learned i cannot fight the battle for everyone..

`

have you ever had one of those moments when you wish you had a bag of pixie dust to sprinkle over someone, to simply wish them to be free of whatever hurts them..? this is my wish, but it is not conceivable.. this guy is like a vortex, a black hole.. sucking all that is around him down with him and his demon is sitting on the edge with a grin.. with all my strength and patience, i cannot be this man's savior..

`

i recently took a drive one night when i found myself home alone.. an hour later, i found myself driving past his darkened house, only the sconces on either side of the garage door were lit.. i drove by slowly knowing i would not stop, but for a brief second, curiosity had me wondering what he was doing..

`

i pulled into a parking lot a few blocks away to go to a store when i saw him.. he looked empty and defeated as he took a drink of his favorite liquid in the tell-tale clear bottle.. a worn baseball hat, an oversized sweatshirt and baggy jeans hung on his thin, emaciated body.. he sat quietly on the corner of a raised planter box, leaning against a building column; barely visible in the darkness.. he was a nameless, faceless soul to all those around him, but me..

`

i felt as i observed him that had i made myself known, i would have been intruding.. i must have sat in that parking lot watching him for nearly an hour until he gathered his things and disappeared into the darkness.. as i started my car and drove away, i felt an odd sadness.. the shadows had taken refuge on his lonely soul..