and the fat lady has sung..

no one desires to be in a place or in a predicament one does not want to be in.. no one chooses to be put on a line, forced to make a choice.. i was taught that you choose where you want to be, whether by your own fault or choice.. this also relates to dilemmas.. a dilemma is not a great place to be.. i have come to a point where i must make a decision and that decision not only affects my life, but others.. it is a decision, not taken lightly and once executed, changes so many facets of my daily life..

it is sort of a domino-effect.. one domino falls, causing another to fall, another and another until all dominoes are down, the playing field is leveled.. although it is a scene of disaster, chaos and destruction, it is the most advantageous vantage point from where i stand.. there is nothing in the way to cloud or block my judgment, nothing to keep me from doing what i do best: protecting a precious one..

a friendship terminated, intersecting lives now severed and a sad, heavy heart are all part of the orders for the day.. how do i proceed..? how do i make the loss more tolerable..? when does the daily life return to a somewhat normal state..?

a state of being tolerant is what is preached to us from childhood.. you are to be tolerant of the ignorant ways of others, you are to be tolerant and 'take the higher road' when someone has wronged you, you are to be tolerant of stupidity.. we are told to be tolerant of so many intolerant things it makes me wonder how we can become a person of morals and values when you spend most of your time and life policing the morals and values of others..

i feel there is a time when being tolerant is just not acceptable.. i have to draw the line in the sand and have made a promise to not cross it because the safety and well-being of a most precious life is questioned.. it is that state of questioning that has led me to this uncomfortable place of a dilemma..

i have experienced many dilemmas in my lifetime to this point, unfortunately there are sure to be many more to come.. yet, despite the time of day, time of year or whenever it may come, and at the end of the day, the solution to a dilemma is usually one that you know is not one you are going to like, either way.. it all boils down to this: the solution is final, the curtain has closed, the proverbial fat lady has sung..

ain't that a kick in the head.. if only..

it starts with no warning or with a bit of an unusual feeling.. sort of like when something just does not feel right.. then, the little fester begins.. a twitch.. a tingle.. a tiny shock.. feelings of being heavy, feelings of dizziness.. the sparkles dance before your eyes or the fog rolls in just in certain spots.. instead of the pleasant scent of roses or jasmine, the smell of cinnamon, the smell of cloves or the smell of freshly tilled dirt invade.. the stomach tightens.. the light is intense.. darkness is like a warm bath, soothing the pain of a hard days' work away, cradling like a baby in soft linens..

once all is in full bloom, time holds the cards.. while in its grasp, its fateful clutches, mercy is a luxury.. a heartbeat feels like a bass drum at a Tool concert, a caress feels like a scorching flame across bare flesh, the desire and intense craving for loneliness eclipes that of the need for a cool drink of water on a hot day..  words, once spoken so eloquently and with ease, are unrecognizable, garbled and labored..  the eyes, once so clear and sharp, now struggle to make sense of the surroundings.. while in its throes, completely at its mercy, unable to walk away unscathed, praying for released from its clutches..

what is it i speak of..?  the divine sensation of love..?  the passionate agony of ecstacy..?  the hopeless feeling of grief..?  only if it were that simple, only if it were that easy.. the pain is all around, hopeless in its grasp, aware of what is transpiring once it begins, helpless to stop it.. it takes a physical toll, a mental toll, an emotional toll.. not only on you, but on those around you who are equally helpless to stop it..  once again, what is it i speak of..?

it is simple and not so simple.. one episodic moment in the throes of a migraine..