between happy and puzzled

tonight, i'm in a wierd funk.. somewhere in between happy and puzzled.. i know, it's probably not normal for most people to have these two particular emotions rearing their heads at the same time, but lately, for me, it's commonplace.. i've got so many things going on in my mind i feel as if it's rush hour at grand central station within my already tired, sleep-deprived psyche.. and trying to rein in the abundant overflow of rampant, meandering dialogue without sounding like a total, uncomprehensible schmuck, i'm forcing myself to bide my time with the hope my latest passage doesn't reveal my mind to be one of a complete, neurotic mess or a simple, blubbering idiot.. hey, no comment from the peanut gallery.. (you know who you are..)

one of the perilous thoughts making its rounds is the one of "you don't know what you have until it's gone.." that idea makes so much sense, but in the same, it has absolutely no significance.. let me try to explain this one, with, of course, a personal story.. no need for kleenex and keep the flying shoes and rotten tomatoes to yourself or at least, wait until i'm done to pass judgement..

i was engaged at one point in time.. to my high school sweetheart, if you can believe that.. we went to different high schools at the beginning of our senior year (i had met him during the summer before senior year) and he would drive 15 miles to my school so i didn't have to walk home.. i felt like i was walking on clouds when i was with him.. he was always a perfect gentleman.. but, in the course of the four year relationship, we became almost strangers.. we had our own group of friends and on my 21st birthday, it was a pivotal point in my life..

he took me to dinner, saying it was going to be just the two of us.. however, when we showed up at the restaurant, his friends were there with their girlfriends.. boy, was that an uncomfortable evening, but the shy, quiet person i was, i didn't let my surprise and unhappiness show because i didn't want to appear ungrateful to these people i didn't really know..

almost one month to the day, i was on my way home, driving his new car and something hit me like a ton of bricks.. not literally hit me, but one of those very rude, vile awakenings.. so powerful that in the same instant, i was in tears.. not a light shower, but a torrential downpour.. i was sitting in traffic and all i could think about was "he is going to be angry i am late, not worried, but angry.. i have his car and he was expecting to go somewhere by a certain time.."

in that nanosecond of my life, i realized what a horrible place i was now in.. with a diamond solitaire engagement ring upon my finger, plans already in motion and all i wanted to do was nothing more than to run, to run as fast as i could in the other direction or any direction as long as it didn't lead me to him.. but, being the ever-dependable, trustworthy person i had come to be, i made my way, slowly through the heavy afternoon traffic, to his house.. i quietly walked in, greeting his parents whom i had come to love as my own and made my way to his room.. i peacefully and solemnly removed my engagement ring and the promise ring he had given me on our first christmas, softly dropping them into his hand.. all i could say was said sorry, then i left..

mind you, this was not an easy decision.. amidst rumors of him cheating and actual females calling his house (i'd unfortunately answered the phone once and handed it to him, he then proceeded to talk to her as if i was not there..) and his adamant discouragement of my wanting to continue with college.. with the few women on his coattails, i walked away from a future so many had believed was ideal and so full of promise..

as if someone had hit him with a mallot and knocked some sense or awareness of what was happening, i was bombarded with roses, phone calls, late night serenades.. "a little too late.." was all i could say.. i had become the forbidden fruit, the epitomy of all he wanted, but couldn't have.. i had asked him once why he had chosen to spend time with the others when he was supposed to be spending time with me.. his answer was "you were always be there.. no matter what, i could count on you being there.. but i was wrong and now there's nothing i can do.." he had said that he knew what he had, but was too stupid and arrogant to realize it at the time.. i've had a few relationships since then and each one of them ended with the same thought "if i knew what i had when i had it, i would have held on with everything i had to keep you from slipping away.."

i sit here wondering what all that means.. i've remained friends with each of the families of the respective guys, but don't talk to the guy, with the exception of one.. the family's still love me, still think of me as one of theirs, always wishing me well, continuously wishing things would have turned out differently.. not a day goes by that i don't wonder if this was this all part of some plan, like fate or destiny, that has put me into these relationships only to pull me out of them and toss me onto unknown path, quietly leading me away from something that was already destined to go bad like sour milk.. but, what is my path..? to be a good person..? i hope i am.. to be a good mom..? i think i am.. to be the person behind the glass that no one can touch and only look at..? it seems like it..

i sometimes felt like the toy at the store that people pick up and think about purchasing, but change their mind somewhere on their way to the cashier, only to leave me in some random aisle, lost and away from what i had come to know as comfort and familiarity.. but, for reasons i can't yet explain without sounding completely daft, i somehow find myself happy these relationships ended.. although i don't have the guy, i was given much more in return.. i have great friends because of them.. friendships that have helped me, soothed me, empowered me, made me grateful i was given such a gift that even their now long-gone presence cannot take away..

i now know that the saying "you don't know what you have until it's gone.." isn't necessarily an edict of misfortune or one of those pessimistic observations told for eons, it's one of those things that i have come to chalk up as a blessing in disguise.. the intial pain of loss was there, but once all has settled and all the chips have fallen, i was left with so much more than if they had actually stayed..