okay, so.. i haven't written a blog in nearly a month.. lots of ramblings, grumblings and what not going on since then in addition to a lot of self-discoveries.. i had an epiphany of sorts.. i was out with a friend of mine over the weekend and for the first time in a long time, i felt free.. it's hard to explain, but i truly felt i had not a care in the world other than just to enjoy myself that evening.. my heart felt light, my mind felt clear and i felt truly at peace..
as a side note and to add to the excitement of the evening, which was a bit lacking.. not due to anything on my or my friends' part, just not a 'jumping' scene in capitola.. we found ourselves sort of in the middle of the age groups.. it was either new 21rs or post 50's.. we were feeling like we stuck out like sore thumbs, so we left.. taking a drive through the hopping, happening city of capitola, only to be pulled over by capitola's 'finest(?)'.. no offense, officer duggan. i apparently didn't stop long enough at a stop sign and was driving a bit too close to the white line next to the bike lane.. after being asked to follow his finger as he moved it from left to right in front of my face with a flashlight focused on me (i had told him i didn't and don't consume any alcohol and cheerfully told him i was coming from 'margaritaville' when asked where i had been), he nicely cautioned me to pay better attention to stop signs then sent me off on my way..
but the conversation that was in full-swing prior to being stopped was one of such private thoughts of my own that i was surprised i voiced them.. surprisingly, when i did, i felt as if someone turned off the cloud machine (those of you who have watched 'igor' might recognize this) and there was nothing that could stop my smile from emerging as if it had been in a vegetative state for years.. letting so many repressed memories and deeply hidden thoughts/fears out was such a weight off of my chest, shoulders, mind (whichever body part you can relate this to).. i can never thank my friend enough for just listening to me vent and talk that night and she did so without one ounce of censure or disapproval.. she just listened..
for years, i've always thought if i just did this right, he would like me.. if i said this, he would realize what a good person i am.. if i acted this way, he might chose me.. if i did all the things he liked, he would want to be with me.. i've known what crap this was for a while, but the fear of being insignificant and unwanted buried this so far into my psyche's dark side, i was beginning to believe if i were all the things he wanted, i would be 'the one'.. but what happened to me..? what happened to my own identity..?
i was basically thrown under the provervial bus by him.. not once did he say with any truthfulness that he wanted to be with me, that i was the one he wanted, that he would take me as i am, flawed or flawless, i was the 'one' for him and that i was his equal in every way.. sure he did say these things (every one of them) but in hindsight, it was almost as if they were flashcards, pulled out in situations to get him out of as quickly and as unscathed as possible smelling like a freshly bloomed rose and i would still look at him as the ideal man he believed himself to be..
all the conversations we had, all the times we shared, all the time spent together talking about the future, which was in his mind a generalization when in my mind it was solid, was nothing.. i had allowed myself to become insignificant.. i had allowed myself to become the 'stand-in' girl until someone better came along, the someone he wanted.. it was a crushing moment when it all hit me, but at the same time, it was a relief.. a relief only i can feel and that i can never really describe without losing some of the emotion in translation..
for years, i allowed myself to be fooled into believing that this guy would one day flip a switch and say i'm ready to be with you, you are truly what i want, i want to spend every last day i have in my lifetime with you.. but, in the end, even with him still telling me to give him some time to work out his 'demons', to be patient with him, my switch flipped and i realized he was nothing.. he was as insignificant to me as i was to him..
hearing myself talk about him as if someone else were speaking the words were a horror to me.. i realized in that conversation that i was the woman i hated hearing about because i felt she was weak, the woman who let stuff like this happen to them out of fear of being alone and unwanted.. i was the woman who let a man use her like a door mat, use her like she was insignificant, use her as if she were really nothing other than a fill in, like spackle in a crack on the wall.. somewhere in all of my desperate need to be wanted, i lost control of my identity and chose to 'satellite' around this man whom i had looked up to as if he were better than me, that i was to be grateful he wanted me around..
those very thoughts and ramblings that night sent every conception of him being a good person, a decent person and a man who was supposed to be worthy of me (and not the other way around) crumbling to a pile of ash and rubble, crashed down to earth like a ball of flames.. i am worth so much more than this man could ever imagine.. not speaking out of spite or of anger, i will truly never wish him a good life or prosperity, he doesn't deserve such tokens of good-will , i don't believe i can ever offer such high regards to him.. it would be completely unwarranted and it would go against everything i believe in..
i, on the other hand, wish myself the world, hell, i wish myself the universe.. i know i am not entitled to anything, but my life is what i make of it and it's going to be okay without him in it (i honestly thought at one point in time, i couldn't go on without his presence).. i will, in time, find a soul who is worthy of me and who can say, in all honesty, i am perfect the way i am.. but, if my path in my life is meant to be walked alone, i will do it without fear of being lonely, i will do it because it's what makes me happy.. in my moment of enlightenment, my moment of bright-light realization that night, on the drive through capitola, i know with all certainty, i absolutely love who i am..
as a side note and to add to the excitement of the evening, which was a bit lacking.. not due to anything on my or my friends' part, just not a 'jumping' scene in capitola.. we found ourselves sort of in the middle of the age groups.. it was either new 21rs or post 50's.. we were feeling like we stuck out like sore thumbs, so we left.. taking a drive through the hopping, happening city of capitola, only to be pulled over by capitola's 'finest(?)'.. no offense, officer duggan. i apparently didn't stop long enough at a stop sign and was driving a bit too close to the white line next to the bike lane.. after being asked to follow his finger as he moved it from left to right in front of my face with a flashlight focused on me (i had told him i didn't and don't consume any alcohol and cheerfully told him i was coming from 'margaritaville' when asked where i had been), he nicely cautioned me to pay better attention to stop signs then sent me off on my way..
but the conversation that was in full-swing prior to being stopped was one of such private thoughts of my own that i was surprised i voiced them.. surprisingly, when i did, i felt as if someone turned off the cloud machine (those of you who have watched 'igor' might recognize this) and there was nothing that could stop my smile from emerging as if it had been in a vegetative state for years.. letting so many repressed memories and deeply hidden thoughts/fears out was such a weight off of my chest, shoulders, mind (whichever body part you can relate this to).. i can never thank my friend enough for just listening to me vent and talk that night and she did so without one ounce of censure or disapproval.. she just listened..
for years, i've always thought if i just did this right, he would like me.. if i said this, he would realize what a good person i am.. if i acted this way, he might chose me.. if i did all the things he liked, he would want to be with me.. i've known what crap this was for a while, but the fear of being insignificant and unwanted buried this so far into my psyche's dark side, i was beginning to believe if i were all the things he wanted, i would be 'the one'.. but what happened to me..? what happened to my own identity..?
i was basically thrown under the provervial bus by him.. not once did he say with any truthfulness that he wanted to be with me, that i was the one he wanted, that he would take me as i am, flawed or flawless, i was the 'one' for him and that i was his equal in every way.. sure he did say these things (every one of them) but in hindsight, it was almost as if they were flashcards, pulled out in situations to get him out of as quickly and as unscathed as possible smelling like a freshly bloomed rose and i would still look at him as the ideal man he believed himself to be..
all the conversations we had, all the times we shared, all the time spent together talking about the future, which was in his mind a generalization when in my mind it was solid, was nothing.. i had allowed myself to become insignificant.. i had allowed myself to become the 'stand-in' girl until someone better came along, the someone he wanted.. it was a crushing moment when it all hit me, but at the same time, it was a relief.. a relief only i can feel and that i can never really describe without losing some of the emotion in translation..
for years, i allowed myself to be fooled into believing that this guy would one day flip a switch and say i'm ready to be with you, you are truly what i want, i want to spend every last day i have in my lifetime with you.. but, in the end, even with him still telling me to give him some time to work out his 'demons', to be patient with him, my switch flipped and i realized he was nothing.. he was as insignificant to me as i was to him..
hearing myself talk about him as if someone else were speaking the words were a horror to me.. i realized in that conversation that i was the woman i hated hearing about because i felt she was weak, the woman who let stuff like this happen to them out of fear of being alone and unwanted.. i was the woman who let a man use her like a door mat, use her like she was insignificant, use her as if she were really nothing other than a fill in, like spackle in a crack on the wall.. somewhere in all of my desperate need to be wanted, i lost control of my identity and chose to 'satellite' around this man whom i had looked up to as if he were better than me, that i was to be grateful he wanted me around..
those very thoughts and ramblings that night sent every conception of him being a good person, a decent person and a man who was supposed to be worthy of me (and not the other way around) crumbling to a pile of ash and rubble, crashed down to earth like a ball of flames.. i am worth so much more than this man could ever imagine.. not speaking out of spite or of anger, i will truly never wish him a good life or prosperity, he doesn't deserve such tokens of good-will , i don't believe i can ever offer such high regards to him.. it would be completely unwarranted and it would go against everything i believe in..
i, on the other hand, wish myself the world, hell, i wish myself the universe.. i know i am not entitled to anything, but my life is what i make of it and it's going to be okay without him in it (i honestly thought at one point in time, i couldn't go on without his presence).. i will, in time, find a soul who is worthy of me and who can say, in all honesty, i am perfect the way i am.. but, if my path in my life is meant to be walked alone, i will do it without fear of being lonely, i will do it because it's what makes me happy.. in my moment of enlightenment, my moment of bright-light realization that night, on the drive through capitola, i know with all certainty, i absolutely love who i am..
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